Episode 13

Finally, here it is. So sorry for telling you I'd get it up and then not.

Rural, wooded area. Rustic lodge. Josh and Caelyn pull up and get out of the car.

Josh: Out and about.

Caelyn: I’m sorry?

Josh: We’re out. We’re among the people. The citizenry. The common folk. The unwashed masses.

Caelyn: And this is feeding your ego why?

Josh: They just seem so small.

Caelyn: Right.

Josh: This feels right. Doesn’t it feel right? The air, the vibes. Like bowling and… beaches.

Caelyn: Are you okay?

Josh: I think this fresh air is intoxicating.

Caelyn (beat): Okay, when we go to talk to the guy? You can’t speak.

Josh: Then how will he know how good I’m feeling?

Caelyn: Everybody wins. (opens door of a rustic shack store called the “Last Chance Lagoon“, they go in)

Josh: Bally-ho, good people!

Everyone turns to look.

Caelyn: You can’t- I- (beat) …

Josh: Come on, Cae. We’re working with the masses! This is fun. Have fun with it.

Caelyn: “Bally-ho???”

Josh: Yes, Bally-Ho. As in the acknowledged and customary affable greeting of dwarves.

Caelyn (whisper): Josh, they’re not little people!

Brian: Are you the monster guys?

Josh: No, we’re normal. Just like you, if not a bit elevated in terms of status… disposition. (beat) Hygiene.

Caelyn: We’re with ADTE.

Brian: Is he okay?

Caelyn: He’s not used to sunlight. It does…(glances at Josh) unfortunate things. Um, are you Darrin Hobbs?

Brian: Hobbs is in the back. I’ll go get him. (beat) I’m Brian.

Caelyn (nods, beat): Yeah, if you could get Mr. Hobbs, that would be great.

Brian: Okay. (walks away slowly).

Josh (leans over to Caelyn, excitedly): They talk funny, too!

Caelyn (harsh whisper): Would you knock it off?! Get over there.

Josh laughs. Caelyn tries not to smile.

Hobbs: You the feds?

Josh (glances at Caelyn): No. No, we’re the gumshoes. The pinks are outside, but I don’t think we’ll see the g-men until last decade.

Hobbs: What?

Caelyn: We’re with ADTE.

Josh: I’m Joshua Moritz. This is Caelyn “Sweater Vest” Lollygaggle. We work the dark streets with even darker secrets. My father was a shipbuilder, my mother - an oil baron.

Caelyn (rolls eyes): You’re the one that called about the disturbance?

Hobbs: Yes, ma’am. It was real as this building.

Josh: And palpable as your grandfather’s hickory stump, am I right?

Caelyn: Excuse us for just a second.

Hobbs watches them oddly as Caelyn pulls Josh aside.

Caelyn: I’m trying to do a job here!

Josh: Yes - and remarkably well, I might add.

Caelyn: So don’t you think you should let me actually do it?

Josh: Do what?

Caelyn: Josh, I don’t want to be here! I’m a city girl. I like noise and pollution and beggars and subways. Please, please (fake crying) ple-e-e-e-ease don’t drag this out.

Josh: Caelyn, are you imply there is something lacking in the majesty that is “The Last Chance Lagoon?” Because I hold my friends to standards.

Caelyn (pitifully): Josh, I want to go home.

Josh: It’s been three hours.

Caelyn: I don’t think I can take any more.

Josh (walking away): Shouldn’t I be wearing a laurel wreath?

Caelyn (whines as he walks away): Josh?

Hobbs: Is everything okay, ma’am?

Caelyn: It can’t possibly be.

Hobbs: You look peaked. You need something to drink? Brian’s got some whiskey in the back room.

Caelyn (beat): Josh!

Fade out.

Fade in. Last Chance Lagoon. Josh is eating a sandwich. He, Caelyn, and Hobbs are sitting at a table.

Caelyn: Can you describe what you saw?

Hobbs: Sure can. Big, ugly thing. I knew right away it was something for the feds.

Josh (mouth full): But instead you called us.

Hobbs: What’d he say?

Caelyn: It’s a good thing you called us.

Josh: No I didn’t.

Caelyn: Where was this creature at when you… witnessed it?

Hobbs: Down by the river where the creek turns into Rodger’s Bend.

Caelyn: And what was it doing?

Hobbs: Nothing.

Caelyn: I’m sorry?

Hobbs: It was just sitting there.

Josh: This is really good. You want a bite?

Caelyn: I don’t.

Josh: I think you would if you tried it.

Caelyn (sweetly with strained undertones): But I’m not going to try it.

Josh: You should.

Caelyn: I don’t-

Josh: Just one bite.

Caelyn (visibly frustrated, nods severely and takes a bite)(chews, spits it out): Oh my- I’m gonna throw up. (Runs to the bathroom)

Josh: Wasn’t ready for the special sauce.

Hobbs: It has quite a kick.

Josh: It really does.

Shift.

Alec: Kevin, what’s the best color for the carpet in the reception area?

Kevin: What?

Alec: I’m asking what the best color for the reception area is.

Kevin: I… don’t know?

Alec: And you see? You see how that lack of knowledge is not hampering you in anyway? You notice a complete lack of grief? Of suffering? Of torment?

Kevin: You need to relax.

Alec: My future-wife says relaxing is the devil’s workshop.

Kevin: No, she doesn’t.

Alec: Okay, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if she started.

Kevin: Maybe a vacation. A trip to some tropical place where you can be served tangy fruit juices all day long.

Alec (beat): I burn easily.

Kevin (sighs): You depress me.

Alec: I depress me.

Kevin: You’re getting married. You’re supposed to be happy.

Alec: I am happy. And tired. And frustrated, because floral prints just aren’t what they used to be.

Kevin: Ain’t that the truth.

Shift. Hobbs is showing Josh and Caelyn through a forested area toward the river.

Hobbs: Right here is where Donny Lepton shot his bear.

Josh: Donny Lepton had a bear?

Caelyn: He shot it?

Hobbs: It wasn’t his, at the time.

Josh: Donny Lepton shot someone else’s bear?

Hobbs: Wild critter.

Josh: Most of the Leptons are.

Caelyn: The bear.

Hobbs: Yeah.

Josh: So this monster you saw. Was it at night?

Hobbs: Yep.

Josh: Pretty big, dark colored, making guttural noises?

Hobbs: That’s exactly right. Is that what them ghoul things do?

Josh: No.

Hobbs: I don’t-

Josh: Is this the spot?

Hobbs: Yes sir, right over there.

Josh: Me and Officer Doodles will check it out. You wait here in case it’s still around.

Hobbs: You think it might still be here- in the day time?

Josh: Most definitely. (to Caelyn) Schmoopsie.

They go through the foliage to the spot.

Caelyn: So, if not a ghoul, then what are we looking for? Doesn’t sound like a banshee.

Josh: Well, I don’t you to overreact to this, but what I was describing was a North American grizzly.

Caelyn: Josh.

Josh: Caelyn.

Caelyn: If we’re out here-

Josh: I just said-

Caelyn: Josh, if we’re out here hunting-

Josh: I said, Caelyn, don’t overreact. I said, I know that you’re emotional, and a woman, and therefore an emotional woman, but I need you to not overreact, and you said-

Caelyn: Josh! A bear!?

Josh: And you said “Josh, you manly-man, I won’t ever-”

Caelyn turns around and walks away.

Josh: Caelyn. Cae- come on. Caelyn, this is fun. (follows her, she is stopped, looking down) What?

Caelyn: I don’t think bears do that.

A puddle of orangish bile is in front of them.

Josh: Ah, crap. (Beat) Get it? ‘Cause it’s a- (Caelyn walks away) A- a pile… (beat, follows)

Shift.

Alec (on phone): Hey, how’s the boonies?

Josh: Dude, I wish you were here.

Alec: Yeah, my fiancée just got off the phone with Caelyn. Apparently you moonlight as Satan?

Josh: Caelyn’s a city girl.

Alec: I’ve got my own problems.

Josh: I wasn’t-

Alec: Ess is all jittery, and hyper, and stressed, and it’s making me-

Josh: Twitch?

Alec: No.

Josh: Sneeze?

Alec: Josh.

Josh: Sorry.

Alec: I mean, I don’t blame her. This is a big deal.

Josh: Huge deal.

Alec: Yeah, I mean, what other decision compares to this? I’ll tell you - not one.

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: Not a single other decision or event compares to one’s wedding.

Josh: I don’t know, I find the cheddar/mozzarella choice particularly daunting.

Alec: Anyway, that’s life here. So there really is something out there?

Josh: Either the locals are drinking way too much V-8 or we have a live one.

Alec: Well… might want to disprove the tomato juice end before you call in a squad.

Josh: Yeah. Okay, I have to go see if Caelyn brought any gloves.

Alec: Hey, you know what you’re saying for the toast?

Josh: We’re having toast?

Alec: A toast. At the wedding.

Josh: Oh, yeah, I’m good.

Alec: Josh, I don’t know a lot of her family still, so if you could not embarrass-

Josh: Don’t worry about it. I’ve got Shakespeare, Moore, a little John Jay, a little King, some Whedon stuff. It’s gonna be great.

Alec: You’re going to quote John Jay at my wedding?

Josh: Guy was buddies with Hamilton. You know they had to have stories.

Alec: I have to go.

Josh: You know what Thomas Moore says-

Alec: (hangs up)

Josh: He didn’t want to know what Thomas Moore said. (looks around) Caelyn!

Caelyn (enters): What?

Josh: You know what I’m thinking?

Caelyn: That these guys are pulling a prank in an attempt to bring some pathetic excitement to their lives?

Josh: Wow, that wasn’t even close.

Caelyn: The bile was far too concentrated, and nothing Hobbs described even creates stuff like that. Either we have two completely unrelated incidents, or someone is making a poor attempt at faking a presence.

Josh: I was thinking that we need to bring some of that special sauce back with us.

Caelyn: I will shoot you.

Josh: That would make your mother very sad.

Caelyn: She’d get over it.

Josh: She would weep and wail, and then sow together a quilt with all the major points of my life on display.

Caelyn: And then put it in the doghouse for Mr. Bimms.

Josh (beat): Mr. Bimms?

Caelyn (quieter): I didn’t name him.

Josh: Poor thing probably got a wedgie on a daily basis at obedience school.

Caelyn: Shut up.

Josh: So we going to go question some people?

Caelyn: We?

Josh: Claude Raines.

Caelyn: Humphrey Bogart.

Josh: Lee Cobb.

Caelyn: Ellen Burstyn.

Josh (beat): Ellen Burstyn.

Caelyn: Sorry, you lose.

Josh: Wait, wait, wait.

Caelyn: Spanked you. I put you in a bag and beat you like a red-headed stepchild.

Josh: Wow.

Caelyn: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz. Nicholas Cage? Come on, I smoked you.

Josh: But-

Caelyn: Smoked!

Josh (beat): This bites.

Caelyn: My day is looking better.

Josh: That’s because the general outlook of your day is dependent on things like this. Little contests, and jelly beans. (beat, muttering) Colin Firth movies.

Caelyn: Smoked.

Josh: Stop saying that.

Caelyn: I smoked you. I smoked you like a cheap cigarette in a sleazy bar.

Josh: That’s a horrible metaphor.

Caelyn: Simile.

Josh: Horrible.

Caelyn: Whatever.

Josh: You should have said “like a salmon in Chinatown.”

Caelyn: They do sushi.

Josh: You can smoke sushi.

Caelyn: I don’t think so.

Josh: Have you ever eaten sushi?

Caelyn (beat): No.

Josh: Then I win. I get to kick dirt on your shoes. (opens door for her)

They enter “Lagoon.”

Josh: Yo, Hobbie! What’s up with the con, man?

Hobbs: Conman?

Josh: The con, comma, man.

Hobbs: What?

Josh: Who spilled the juice? Was it you? This kid, Billings?

Caelyn: Brian.

Josh: Brian.

Hobbs: I don’t know what you’re saying.

Josh (talking fast): You think you can dance around me, fine, but I have low blood pressure and a cooler full of macaroni, so what say we get down to brass facts and leave the flip-flops to the beach bunnies?

Caelyn: Josh.

Josh: I don’t know what you’re cooking, Hip-hobbles, but it ain’t sailing. They don’t call this one (gestures to Caelyn) the Scum-Sniffing Shrimper for nothing.

Hobbs (confused): I don’t-

Josh: Never mind, he’s clean.

Caelyn: Josh!

Josh: Shrimper?

Caelyn: How do you- what-… I’m going to cry, Josh.

Josh: Do us a favor, and gather every gun-wielding varmint around. I need a posse!

Shift to ADTEO. (Ess is sitting on floor, looking at magazines and pictures. Alec walks in)

Alec: Hey. You okay?

Ess: I can’t decide on colors.

Alec: You’re tired. It’s okay.

Ess: This is hard.

Alec: I think you should take a break.

Ess: I can’t.

Alec: Yeah, you can. And you must.

Ess: I need to pick colors.

Alec: How about this one?

Ess: That’s disgusting.

Alec (beat): Oh. Well, you have plenty of time still-

Ess: I do NOT have time!

Alec: Okay.

Ess: Sorry.

Alec: It’s okay. (beat) So Josh is going to quote Moore in his toast.

Ess: Roger?

Alec (laughs): Thomas.

Ess: What does Thomas Moore have to say about our wedding?

Alec: I don’t know about you, but I’m dying to find out.

Ess: Didn’t he get guillotined?

Alec: Beheaded?

Ess: Yeah.

Alec: I think so.

Ess: ’Cause that’s definitely the image I want on my special day.

Alec: Maybe you can get some help.

Ess: Like psychiatry?

Alec: On the wedding plans.

Ess: Caelyn’s helping.

Alec: Well, she’ll be back soon. Until then, why don’t you take a little break?

Ess (sighs): Is there work, you know, I should be doing, out there?

Alec: We got it covered.

Ess: Then I’m going to just, um, stay here.

Alec: And continue to not pick out colors?

Ess: Yes.

Alec (beat): Want me to help?

Ess: No, it’s okay. I can be indecisive on my own.

Alec (laughs, kisses her forehead): Okay.

Shift. Rural area.

Caelyn (on phone): Anything?

Janie (on phone): Yeah, it’s definitely infected. I wouldn’t think there’s too many, though.

Caelyn: Okay, thanks, Janie.

Janie: So you guys having fun?

Caelyn: No. Not really. Josh is, but he’s stupid.

Janie: I’ve never thought Josh was stupid. Wordy, maybe.

Caelyn: He’s stupid. I want to come home.

Janie: But he’s having fun?

Caelyn: Because he’s-

Janie: Stupid, yeah.

Caelyn: How’s Ess?

Janie: She’s okay.

Caelyn: Sitting on the floor by herself?

Janie: Yup.

Caelyn: I should be there.

Janie: Maybe. Or maybe you should be doing your job.

Caelyn: Hey!

Janie: Sorry, I was channeling your uncle.

Caelyn: Uh, yeah! Don’t do that.

Janie: Speaking of which, he and that tooty-fruity girl of his-

Caelyn: Melanie?

Janie: - have been talking for a long time. You don’t think they’re breaking up, do you?

Caelyn: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Janie: Your uncle is a very eligible man, my dear.

Caelyn: Don’t-don’t say things like that. I’m hanging up. Ew. Bye.

Janie (laughs): Bye-bye.

Caelyn walks back to Josh.

Josh: A communal spirit.

Caelyn: Josh.

Josh: A community of souls willing to help one another; baking pies and forming posses.

Caelyn: You know, you confound me.

Josh: I know; you wonder how someone so smart can be so pretty.

Caelyn: You mock these people incessantly while at the same time you clearly admire the simplicity of their way of life.

Josh: It’s not admiration as much as…-

Caelyn: Envy?

Josh (beat): I walk down the street every day and never see a familiar face. I mean, isn’t there- isn’t there the least desire to be a major component in a society? A neighborly commune, or a large family atmosphere?

Caelyn: I think I am.

Josh: Okay, but you’re naïve and immature.

Caelyn: People don’t have to be friends to be part of a community. Whether or not I play bingo with the mayor ‘slash’ taxidermist-…

Josh (laughs): Yeah.

Caelyn (smiles): I’m not saying it’s not quaint. But the quaint comes with… misconceptions… and special sauces.

Josh: You just used a double negative.

Caelyn: You know what? You can just-

They come up to the group of volunteers.

Josh: Gentlemen, today we will be hunting a brood. It’s simply a group of four to six infected simians.

Hobbs: Simians?

Josh (beat, stares): Monkeys.

Volunteer1: We’re hunting monkeys?

Josh: Infected simians. (beat, sees Brian’s hand raised) Brian?

Brian: I thought monkeys didn’t live in these parts.

Josh: Much like the infection.

Hobbs: I don’t understand.

Caelyn: Someone brought it here.

(murmuring)

Volunteer2: Well, who’d do a thing like that?

Josh: Don’t know. (beat) Brian?

Brian: I read that monkeys only have one or two… kids, baby-things.

Josh: Depends on the species, but yeah, the infection generally tends to increase offspring.

Brian: That’s weird.

Josh (beat) : Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Caelyn: They’re only a few days old, but they can be dangerous, so we’re going to ask you to hunt in pairs.

Josh: Brian?

Brian: What about the mother?

Caelyn: The mother would have been consumed by the young shortly after giving birth.

(Murmuring)

Brian: Oh.

Caelyn: If any of you should come across any sign of their presence, radio Agent Moritz and myself immediately. Fire only if they exhibit hostile behavior and you feel threatened.

Josh (cheerfully): Brian?

Brian: Can they climb?

Josh: Can they climb?

Brian: Like… trees?

Josh: Can they climb trees?

Brian: Yeah.

Josh (beat): Sure, why not.

Caelyn: Does everyone have their radios? (turns to Josh) You have anything to add?

Josh: Don’t toot the foghorn if your hat is still on fire.

Caelyn: And with that, good luck. (people disperse; beat) What was that?

Josh: Tidbit of wisdom. Sometimes it just radiates from me.

Caelyn: You scare me, Joshua.

Josh: No kidding. Let’s get some waffles.

Shift. Gerrard’s office.

Gerrard: Retire?

Melanie: Not right away. Just, you know, ever?

Gerrard: Why?

Melanie: I’m curious.

Gerrard: Your curious.

Melanie: I am. I’m curious about my future and your future because there’s a good chance it might be our future, and therefore, I am… curious… about it.

Gerrard (beat): I don’t know.

Melanie: That’s okay.

Gerrard: No, I mean… I guess I just assumed I would. (beat) When I got older.

Melanie: Yeah.

Gerrard: I’m getting older now, aren’t I?

Melanie: You have a ways.

Gerrard (laughs): Sure I do.

Melanie: That’s not the point.

Gerrard: Retirement.

Melanie: I didn’t mean to suggest-

Gerrard: I know. I suppose I should start thinking about it, though.

Melanie: For later, maybe.

Gerrard: Yeah.

Melanie (beat): So.

Gerrard (smiles): What?

Melanie: Luke Sorrason is gone.

Gerrard: He is. Transferred departments.

Melanie: You okay with that?

Gerrard: Am I okay with that?

Melanie: Yeah.

Gerrard: Why wouldn’t I be?

Melanie: ‘Cause I know you liked him.

Gerrard: He was a good officer.

Melanie: Fit in well.

Gerrard: Sure.

Melanie: Why do you think he transferred?

Gerrard: What are you getting at?

Melanie: You seem sad.

Gerrard; I’m not sad.

Melanie: I think you are, and I tend to be right.

Gerrard: This time you’re not.

Melanie: I am. In fact, I always am. I was just being modest earlier.

Gerrard (laughs, beat): I don’t know; I mean, I hand-picked him.

Melanie: Yeah.

Gerrard: It’s okay, though. Seriously, I’m fine.

Melanie: Okay.

Shift. Last Chance Lagoon. Josh and Caelyn in a booth. Josh is eating, Caelyn is doing a crossword.

Caelyn: Who played Worf?

Josh: Sorry?

Caelyn: On Star Trek. Who played Lt. Worf?

Josh: Michael Dorn.

Caelyn: Dorn. Thanks.

Josh: These waffles are delicious.

Caelyn: Not hungry.

Josh: Good, ‘cause they’re too delicious to share. They’re like nirvanic waffles.

Caelyn: That’s not a word.

Josh: Sure it is.

Caelyn: Waffles can be nirvanic?

Josh: Surprised me too, but here they are.

Caelyn: Okay.

Josh: You know what’s great about blueberries?

Caelyn: Yeah, but I like to hear you say it.

Josh: They go with everything.

Caelyn: Do they?

Josh: They do. Name a food.

Caelyn: I’m not gonna-

Josh: Name a food.

Caelyn: Ravioli.

Josh (beat): Okay, so not everything. (Radio buzzes)

Hobbs (on radio): Agent Mort? Agent Heaton? This is Hobbes. Do you read me?

Josh (beat): Loud and clear, Habbs.

Hobbs: We found the little beasts down by the river.

Josh: Okay, give us your location and we’ll come take care-

Hobbs: No need, Agent. We took care of the critters.

Josh: You… attacked them?

Hobbs: Sure did. Sure were some funny-looking’ buggers.

Josh: Like “ha ha” funny?

Hobbs: Made a mess though. That stuff ain’t contagious, is it?

Josh: Uh, yeah.

Hobbs: Oh. (beat) Um, what-

Josh: No, wait. I’m wrong. It’s not contagious. Absolutely harmless. Unless you ingest it. (beat) Did you ingest it, Hobbie?

Hobbs: You mean, eat it?

Josh: Ok then. Listen, we still need to come down and confirm the kill, so pinpoint your locale for us, won’t you?

Hobbs: Yeah, will do. Just make your way to the river, and go south. And then, ah, one of our boys will be there, and they’ll bring you here. Over.

Josh: (to Caelyn): The special sauce was weak, blueberries don’t go with ravioli, and we’re surrounded by trigger-happy hicks. You ready to go yet?

Caelyn: I’d kiss you if I weren’t busy rushing to the car. (smiles and stands up)

Josh: Car’s locked.

Caelyn: So?

Josh (shrugs): What’s the rush?

Caelyn (giggles): Cute.

Josh: I’m adorable.

Caelyn: You’re an idiot.

Josh: Also, adorable.

Caelyn: Maybe.

Josh: Maybe? (opens door for her)

Caelyn: The jury’s out. (they exit)

Shift.

Gerrard: What are you two doing here?

Alec: I’m calculating the gas mileage to Vegas.

Ess: Which floral design? (holds up two pictures)

Gerrard: White one.

Ess (smacks Alec): See that?

Alec: Hey, I was like that. That was me, 14 hours ago. Put him in this Pandora’s box for awhile and see how decisive he is.

Ess: We’ve barely started.

Alec: And that makes me very sad.

Gerrard: Enjoy it.

Alec: You enjoy it.

Ess: Knock it off.

Alec: You- (Ess hits him)

Gerrard: Alec, can I talk to you for a second?

Alec: I don’t know, boss. I’m kind of integral here-

Ess: Get out.

Alec: Let’s talk. (follows Gerrard out to the hallway)

Gerrard: Hey.

Alec: Hey.

Gerrard: She okay?

Alec: Yeah. Excited. You know, she’s good.

Gerrard: Melanie was here today.

Alec: Yeah.

Gerrard: She brought up retirement.

Alec: She’s only 40... Something.

Gerrard: For me.

Alec (beat): Why?

Gerrard: I’m getting older.

Alec: No, why is she- why is Melanie talking about your career decisions? (beat) You guys getting serious?

Gerrard: I’d like to think so, but what do I know.

Alec: Not much.

Gerrard: So basically, I’m just trying to avoid losing yardage, which, you know, isn’t always easy with that girl.

Alec: You thinking about it?

Gerrard: Retirement?

Alec: Yeah.

Gerrard: A little.

Alec: Josh is going to freak.

Gerrard: I’m not telling Josh.

Alec: Well, I am.

Gerrard: Wait, don’t-

Alec: I’m telling Josh everything. We’re like a hive mind, anyway. It’s a sophisticated networking of ideas; you can’t stop it.

Gerrard: Alec, all I said was that I was considering it.

Alec: And when I say ‘freak,’ I’m talking bath robes and Cheetos, man. Marky’s gone to the store and don’t expect the donuts!

Gerrard: What are you-

Alec: I can’t do this. I have to deal with Babs in there, I can’t have Josh melting down too!

Gerrard: Alec, calm down.

Alec (deep breath): I’m going back in there.

Gerrard: Good. You alright?

Alec: No, Gerrard, I am not alright. (beat) I am going back in there. (walks away slowly)

Shift. Late, ADTEO. Caelyn comes into the office. Ess is oblivious to her presence.

Caelyn: What are you doing here, sweetie?

Ess: Hey, you’re back.

Caelyn: It’s 11 o’clock.

Ess: Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.

Caelyn (beat): Josh made me eat special sauce today.

Ess (beat): Okay.

Caelyn: How was your day?

Ess: No special sauce, so, you know, that’s good.

Caelyn: Yeah.

Ess: There’s a lot to do, and it’s like I’m not getting anywhere.

Caelyn: It’ll be okay.

Ess: Yeah.

Caelyn (beat): What are you working on?

Ess: Um, well. (laughs) Bridesmaid dresses.

Caelyn: Ooh, yay. I’m just in time.

Ess (laughs): You don’t want to be here right now.

Caelyn: Are you kidding? I live for this. Okay, so show me what we’ve ruled out.

Ess (beat, smiles): Okay. Okay, well, I pretty much discarded the first two pages, because unless I’m having my wedding in a disco hall-

Caelyn (giggles): Yeah.

Fade out on them talking.

End scene.

Episode 12

A few things before it starts - I'm going to be done with this series at 14. I may come back to it at some point, but I really want to focus on other stuff right now, and two more episodes will give me time to make a semi-closure on the whole thing. I'll try to get the other two done in reasonable time.



Scene1 (Ess and Caelyn’s apartment) (Alec is waiting at the door, Caelyn is on the couch watching TV, and Ess is getting ready to go)

Alec: Why are people so completely and utterly stupid?

Ess: They aren't and you're just a jerk?

Alec: No, but good guess.

Caelyn: What's wrong?

Alec: What?

Caelyn: What happened?

Alec: Nothing happened.

Caelyn: Then why are you-

Alec: Nothing happened. I'm just lamenting the way of things. Are you ready yet?

Ess: No.

Alec: She's like a... help me out here.

Caelyn: Woman?

Alec: Yeah.

Caelyn: Where are you taking her?

Alec: It's a surprise.

Caelyn: For me?

Alec: No.

Caelyn: Where are you taking her?

Alec: See, you act all trustworthy and cute and everything, but as soon as I tell you, you'll hold it over me in return for some nefarious favor.

Caelyn: First of all... okay, yeah.

Alec: Just sit down and watch your stories.

Caelyn: It's the football game, Alec.

Alec: Nefarious!

Ess: What's going on?

Caelyn: Not much. Your boyfriend is a psychopath.

Ess: Again?

Alec: Are you ready yet?

Ess: No.

Alec: No. Of course not. (muttering) It's only time to go, why would you be ready? I loooove standing here, shooting the breeze with the roommate from Hades.

Caelyn: I'm sitting right here.

Alec: Or so it seems.

Ess: What’s Josh doing for Thanksgiving?

Alec: What?

Ess: I said-

Alec: How should I know? I'm stuck in here... waiting for the Danaids to fill the tub.

Ess: As cute as I find your references to, you know, stupid things, it doesn’t make me go any faster.

Alec: Fine.

Ess: Really, it doesn’t.

Alec: Ess, I’m standing in the door. Been here for a good ten minutes.

Ess: And you look so handsome. Doesn’t he look handsome?

Caelyn: Meh.

Ess: Caelyn.

Caelyn (without any sincerity): Yes! Yes, he looks so handsome that when I look at him I get weak in the knees.

Alec: Caelyn, I… I didn’t know.

Caelyn: Shut up.

Ess: You ready?

Alec: Yeah. (beat) No. I gotta use the bathroom.

Fade out. Shift.

ADTEO.

Ess: Joshua!

Josh: Esther.

Ess: I have a great idea.

Josh: Yeah?

Ess: Yeah. It’s one of those ideas that when you have it, you just know.

Josh: You know you’ve had an idea?

Ess: No, that it’s great.

Josh: Okay.

Ess: Of course you know you had an idea.

Josh: Sure.

Ess: You want to hear it?

Josh: Boy, do I ever.

Ess: Don’t be like that.

Josh: Okay.

Ess: I think that you… should come over to my uncle’s for Thanksgiving.

Josh: Really?

Ess: Yeah.

Josh: I don’t know; I mean, I like your uncle and everything, but that could get awkward.

Ess: That’s where we’re having our get-together.

Josh: That was your great idea?

Ess: What’s wrong with it?

Josh: Nothing’s wrong with it. It’s great.

Ess: It is.

Josh: It’s one of those ideas that has a lot of potential.

Ess (sighs): But?

Josh: It kind of bites.

Ess: Josh.

Josh: Ess, we go through this every year.

Ess: Because you insist on being a self-absorbed idiot.

Josh: Yeah, that’s basically my persona.

Ess: Josh.

Josh: Ess, don’t worry about it. I’m looking forward to the day off.

Ess: So you can sit home alone watching a sport you don’t understand?

Josh: Don’t put Alec’s inadequacies on me. I know what the blue zone is.

Ess: Red zone?

Josh: That was a joke.

Ess: I don’t like you doing this to yourself, Josh.

Josh: Making bad jokes?

Ess: That and this other thing.

Josh: I know, but you should stop worrying about it. It’s not a bad day for me.

Ess: Josh.

Josh: It’s a bad day, but being around someone else’s family isn’t going to make it any easier.

Ess: I think it might.

Josh (smiles softly): You are a good friend, Hadassah. But Thanksgiving isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey, and I’m pretty sure that’s not all that Kosher.

Ess: You’re turning me down based on my Judaism?

Josh: Not so much yours as your uncle’s.

Ess: Like you’re going to cook yourself a turkey.

Josh: Two-minute microwave special.

Ess (shudders): That’s disgusting.

Josh: I wouldn’t be adverse to a pie, though, should you feel sufficiently guilty-

Ess: You’re pathetic.

Josh: Yeah.

Ess: You sure you won’t come?

Josh: Thanks anyway.

Ess (sighs): Okay. I’m going over to the lab.

Josh: Don’t blow anything up, Wyle E.

Ess: Shut up.

Josh: And I don’t care how good those batman wings look, we’re not buying them.

Shift.

Luke: I don’t get it.

Alec: Don’t get what?

Luke: Any of this.

Caelyn: Well, yeah. You’re family wasn’t killed.

Luke: Fair enough. I’m just saying, if he wants to spend time with someone, wouldn’t he just say yes?

Alec: Yeah.

Luke: So?

Alec: So, what?

Luke: Why are you stressing about it?

Alec: Because it’s not good for him.

Caelyn: It makes me sad.

Alec: And it makes Caelyn sad.

Caelyn: Shut up.

Luke: I think you’re making something out of nothing.

Caelyn: That’s ‘cause you’re a guy.

Luke: So is Josh.

Alec: I am, t-

Caelyn: I’m going to go talk to him.

Alec: Okay.

Caelyn exits.

Luke: I don’t get it.

Alec: Yeah, me neither. Ess swears it’s a big deal.

Luke (beat): So that was all an act?

Alec: Man, I’m telling you, those two repeat conversations word for word. This will get back to her.

Luke (nods approvingly): Well-played.

Shift

Gerrard: A broiled turkey with [ ] sauce lightly sprinkled on top, lemon-peppered goose, stuffed with garlic bread, and a perfectly aged wine that I’ve been saving for more years than I’d like to admit.

Melanie: Sounds wonderful.

Gerrard: That’s only the first course. We then follow up this nirvana of the sense of taste with homemade rice pudding, and delicate au gratin potato dish, coupled with a singed bean casserole of finest quality.

Melanie: I’m giddy. I’m sitting here, shuddering in anticipation. My hands have goose-bumps.

Gerrard: I haven’t even made it to dessert, yet. But, ah yes, that will remain a secret, to better tantalize the fantasy of the mind.

Melanie: You sure your family won’t mind?

Gerrard: Of course they won’t mind.

Melanie: Okay. Okay, I will see you then.

Gerrard: You make me very happy.

Melanie: I know the feeling.

Gerrard (hangs up): Janie!

Janie (enters): Hey.

Gerrard: Get me the U.S. ambassador to Argentina.

Janie: Okay. Business call?

Gerrard: Yeah.

Janie: It’ll just be a minute.

Shift.

Josh: Hey.

Alec: Hey, Ess is looking for you.

Josh: She found me.

Alec: Yeah, sorry about that.

Josh: Don’t be. So you’re going back to meet the family?

Alec: Yeah.

Josh: That’s a bold move.

Alec: What-Why do you say that?

Josh: Well, you’re neither Jewish nor, you know, an adequate human being.

Alec: Ah, that.

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: Think they’ll notice?

Josh: Hey, I want you to know… I’m really happy for you guys.

Alec (slight beat, nods): I appreciate that.

Josh: I’m also happy that you’re going to be stuck in awkward family meetings while I’m eating microwave turkey and watching football.

Alec: Can’t fault you there.

Josh: I remember when I met Amy’s family. Now there’s a social experiment.

Alec: Ess tells me they aren’t that bad.

Josh: Yeah, that probably means you shouldn’t eat the Jell-O.

Alec: Okay.

Josh: If someone offers to buy you a goldfish, don’t say yes.

Alec: What are you talking about?

Josh: Trust me, I have some experience with this stuff.

Alec: Yeah, but your girl didn’t marry you.

Josh: Don’t underestimate the importance of wooing the aunts. I swear, you tick any one of them off and they’ll form a coven to hex you.

Alec: You aren’t scaring me, Josh.

Josh: You say that, but as soon as you see an unwashed cauldron, my words will be refreshed, and then… you will know fear. (beat) Also, beware anyone with a tattoo of the lynx.

Alec: I’m going to my desk now.

Josh: I’m going to get a sandwich.

Fade out.

Scene 2. (Gerrard’s office)

Gerrard: Luke. You ever been to Argentina?

Luke: I don’t think so.

Gerrard: Ah, then today is your lucky day.

Luke: You’re sending me to Argentina?

Gerrard: You, Ess, Sonny, Cher. The works.

Luke: Okay.

Gerrard: What can I do for you?

Luke: I need to transfer.

Gerrard: I’m sorry?

Luke: I’m… I’m getting married.

Gerrard (grins): That’s great, Luke.

Luke: It is. It really is. Except I can’t keep working here.

Gerrard (beat): I see.

Luke: It’s not me on this one, boss.

Gerrard: No, you don’t have to exp- this isn’t the first time I’ve seen it. She’s worried about you.

Luke: I was hoping I could get transferred to a desk job, somewhere in the company.

Gerrard (slight beat): Luke, you know I’ll do what I can to keep you around, but I don’t think there’s anyway we’ll be able to fit you in Sierra if you’re not field specced.

Luke: No, I know. I- (sighs) I understand that my time in Sierra is over.

Gerrard (beat): Okay. Okay, let’s see what we can find you, then.

Shift.

Caelyn: Where have you been?

Josh: Talking with Whacky Walter.

Caelyn: You know someone named Whacky Walter?

Josh: That's not his name, it's just what we call him.

Caelyn: What's his name?

Josh: What?

Caelyn: What's his real name?

Josh: Why do you possibly care?

Caelyn: I'm nosey.

Josh: Robert Green.

Caelyn: His name is Robert Green.

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: You call him Whacky Walter.

Josh: He's insane, and he looks like Gary Burghoff.

Caelyn (laughs): Okay. Why did you go to see him?

Josh: You writing a book?

Caelyn: I'm taking interest, Josh. It's not a vice.

Josh: Actually, I'm pretty sure it is.

Caelyn: It's wrong to care?

Josh: You're a gossip, a busybody.

Caelyn: I am not, and you're a curmudgeon.

Josh: Okay.

Caelyn: Whacky Walter.

Josh (shrugs): I don’t know. It’s cheaper than movie tickets.

Caelyn: Much like your sense of fashion.

Josh: What does that mean?

Caelyn: Nothing. Nice sneakers.

Josh: Don't you have a report to neglect to file?

Caelyn: Don't you have to act like a meshuginah?

Josh: A what?

Caelyn: Ess is teaching me the Yiddish.

Josh: She's teaching you Yiddish?

Caelyn: She is.

Josh: And she started with meshuginah?

Caelyn: She said it's one of the better ones.

Josh: Schmendrick.

Caelyn: Funny.

Josh: I've noticed you hardly ever laugh when you say that.

Caelyn: Nothing gets by you, Josh.

Josh: Sometimes it's a burden.

Caelyn: Ess told me about your Anthropophobia.

Josh: That’s a fear of society.

Caelyn: Yes.

Josh: I don’t fear society.

Caelyn: I think you do.

Josh: Well, I think you said the wrong word.

Caelyn: Caligynephobia.

Josh: That’s fear of-

Caelyn: Pretty girls.

Josh: Yes, and I think it’s quite clear I’m not suffering from that.

Caelyn: You should come over to my mom’s for our Thanksgiving. Gerrard will be there.

Josh: Ah.

Caelyn: Don’t do that.

Josh: Do what?

Caelyn: Don’t say “ah” like- like- like, “Ah, you’re as loony as Ess.”

Josh (laughs): Okay.

Caelyn: We’re worried about you.

Josh: Well, you’re both girls.

Caelyn: Gotta get up pretty early to pull one over you, eh Josh?

Josh: Okay.

Caelyn: You’re a testament to your kind.

Josh: Baptists?

Caelyn: Men.

Josh: Thanks.

Caelyn: You should come over for Thanksgiving.

Josh: No.

Caelyn: Why not?

Josh: Because for some reason, there has not yet been a Thanksgiving where I’m in the mood to see someone else enjoying the benefits of still having their family.

Caelyn (beat): I’m sorry.

Josh: Don’t be.

Caelyn: That makes me sad, Josh.

Josh (laughs softly): Don’t be.

Caelyn: It’s too late. You made me sad. Now I’m sad, and it’s your fault.

Josh: Caelyn.

Caelyn: I’m over here being sad. I hope you know that.

Josh: Okay, but you need to work on your guilting.

Caelyn: I guilt just fine, thank you. I can’t help it if you have a heart of stone.

Josh (laughs): Whatever.

Caelyn: This isn’t finished.

Josh: Fantastic.

Caelyn: Yes.

Josh: Look, it’s not that I’m not thankful that you care. I really am. It’s just… it’s a lot easier if Thanksgiving isn’t anything more than a day off, you know? (slight beat) I can handle that.

Caelyn (beat/ slightly sad): Okay. Okay, well, then I’ll leave you alone about it.

Josh: Thank you.

Caelyn: But if you change your mind-

Josh: Then I’ll bring a casserole.

Caelyn (smiles): Yeah.

Shift.

Caelyn: Hey, how'd it go?

Ess: That depends. Do we like our weapons to actually function, or is our grading system entirely based on technical jargon-filled names?

Caelyn (beat): Am I supposed to answer-

Ess: The Alpha 99 Photon Converter. I'm not joking. How is a photon converter supposed to- you know what, forget it.

Caelyn: Was there, by any chance, an Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator?

Ess: More with the snark today, eh?

Caelyn: It’s that kind of day.

Ess: Mess after mess. I like creativity, you know? I do.

Caelyn: Sure.

Ess: But this as a quagmire of incompetence. I really don't know what we're paying these people for.

Caelyn: Something about cheese, I hear.

Ess: One of these days- I swear, one of these days we'll be out there in danger and our guns are going to melt in our hands.

Caelyn: A disintegrating disintegrator.

Ess (sighs): Thank you, Chuck Jones. Both you and Poindexter over there-

Caelyn: Josh said no.

Ess: About Thanksgiving?

Caelyn: Yeah.

Ess: He said 'no?'

Caelyn: He said it's easier if days like that don't mean anything.

Ess: Yeah, I suppose it would, if that worked.

Caelyn: What do I do?

Ess: You're asking me?

Caelyn: Yeah.

Ess: On how to cure Josh of the holiday blues?

Caelyn: Yeah.

Ess: I can't say for certain, but your Daffy Duck impression might do the trick.

Caelyn: I see you have some snark yourself.

Ess: You really should have seen some of the trash they had.

Caelyn: And who doesn't enjoying looking at that?

Ess: I have to go find my boyfriend.

Caelyn: I have to go find a bagel.

Shift.

Josh (exits Gerrard’s office): We’re going to Argentina.

Ess: Are you serious?

Josh: Yeah, but it’s okay if you want to laugh at Argentina. I always do.

Alec: Argentina?

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: Like the musical?

Josh: You mean Oklahoma! ?

Luke: Don’t cry for me Oklahoma?

Josh: The British and the Spanish should be friends.

Luke: It’s also, you know, a country.

Ess: We figured.

Josh: With banana exports.

Alec: Seafood delicacies.

Josh: Troubadours.

Alec: Funny dances.

Josh: Child labor.

Alec: Cannibalism.

Caelyn: You guys know nothing about Argentina, do you?

Josh (beat): I know there was a musical.

Alec: Argentina, where the wind comes sweeping ‘cross the plains.

Luke: Josh, can we talk?

Josh: Yeah, sure.

Fade out.

Scene 3.

Josh: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

Luke: Yeah.

Josh: I mean, giving this up for her. You sure she’s the right one?

Luke (beat): I appreciate the concern, but I’m sure.

Josh: Okay. Well… okay. I will make the necessary calls. You’ll go to Argentina with us?

Luke: Of course.

Josh: I only ask because if this were a movie, you’d pretty much be going to you’re grave.

Luke: The thought crossed my mind.

Josh: Last mission before a lifetime of wedded bliss. I mean, you’re wrecked.

Luke: At least I’m out of expendable crewman status.

Josh: No, now you’re endearing and likable with a bright future.

Luke (beat as he considers this): Yeah.

Josh (beat/ speaks in a spooky voice): Argentiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaa.

Luke laughs.

Josh: I’m kidding. This is routine.

Luke: Sure.

Josh (sighs): You know this bites.

Luke: It does.

Josh: It really does.

Luke: What are you going to do, though?

Josh: Yeah. You want to go tell the others?

Luke (laughs slightly): Not really.

Josh (grins): Yeah.

Luke: You know they’re all freaking out about how you don’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving.

Josh: Yeah, what’s up with that? Every year, too.

Luke: I’m not going to insult you by joining in.

Josh: I appreciate it.

Luke: But you know you’re welcome to come-

Josh (snickers): Get out of here.

Luke (laughs): Thanks, boss.

Shift. (Ess’ apartment)

Ess: I can’t believe Luke’s leaving.

Alec: On to better things, I guess.

Ess: I’m not going to make you quit.

Alec: Good.

Ess: I’m saying when we get married, I won’t make you quit.

Alec: ‘kay, ‘cause I wasn’t planning on it.

Ess: When we get married.

Alec: You know, it stops being a subtle hint when you say it three times.

Ess: Didn’t seem like you were getting it.

Alec: I was.

Ess: Didn’t seem like it.

Alec: I… still was.

Ess: Okay, I’ll drop it.

Alec: Thank you.

Ess (beat): How many kids do you think we should have?

Alec: That’s cute.

Ess: I’m adorable.

Alec: Yeah, you’re something.

Ess: I’m thinking we move out of the city limits. Make the commute to work painful, but then Rosie, Charlie, and Bethany will have an actual yard to play in.

Alec: We’re not naming any of them Rosie.

Ess: What’s wrong with Rosie, and that counts as consent for Charlie and Bethany.

Alec (beat): I- Rosie is Sam’s wife from Lord of the Rings.

Ess (beat): Okay. And why is that-

Alec: ‘Cause she’s a hobbit.

Ess: Okay. (beat) You realize our daughter wouldn’t be a hobbit just because we name her-

Alec: Yeah, Ess.

Ess: Because you seemed a little uncertain as to how that works.

Alec: Well, you’ve cleared it up for me.

Ess (smiles): Very wifely of me, yes?

Alec: I have to tell you, loving the pressure.

Ess (giggles): I know. I’m excited. Luke’s getting married, and you know what that does to us womenfolk.

Alec: Releases the crazy.

Ess: Something like that.

Alec: You know you told me I need to talk with your father?

Ess: But when will you have an opportunity-, oh wait, you will actually see him on Thursday. Well, funny how these things work out.

Alec: Yeah, I already did.

Ess: What?

Alec (grins): I already asked him.

Ess: Wait, you- you asked him if you could-?

Alec: He said yes.

Ess: You actually- Alec, are you teasing me right now, because this isn’t funny-

Alec (laughs): I’m not teasing you, Ess. (beat) So, I just have one more question for you.

Shift. (they both speak very quickly in this section)

Caelyn: He proposed!?

Ess: He did.

Caelyn: Oh, Ess! (they both squeal, and hug, etc.) (after a few moments) Does Josh know?

Ess: Alec’s telling him.

Caelyn: This is wonderful. I’m so happy for you guys!

Ess: Me too! (hug and all that again)

Caelyn: Did you guys set a date?

Ess: February 18th.

Caelyn: February 18th. That’s not very long.

Ess: I know. Can you help me?

Caelyn: Of course I can. My hands are shaking. This is so exciting. I feel like I’m talking too much. Am I talking too much?

Ess: No. I need to go find Gerrard. Come with me.

Caelyn: You want me to come?

Ess: Yeah, come on.

Shift.

Josh: You know… I take credit for this.

Alec: You would.

Josh: I think it’s deserved.

Alec: I admit that you played a minor role.

Josh: Minor role? I was campaign manager. I called the shots, wrote the strategy. And I only bring it up so you don’t get upset when I neglect to buy you a wedding gift.

Alec: Okay, well I agree that your advice was worth approximately a toaster.

Josh: That’s all I’m saying.

Alec: I hear Ess has recruited Caelyn to the Josh’s Thanksgiving team.

Josh (breathes a laugh): Yeah. They really don’t get it.

Alec: Yeah, I know. Probably because it’s crap. (they look at each other for a beat / Alec grins slightly) Go buy a casserole, Josh. (exits)

Shift (transport plane)

Alec: Well, you lived.

Luke: Despite your best efforts, yeah.

Alec: I apologized like three times already.

Caelyn: You guys are all getting married. I feel like a spinster.

Josh: I feel you’re a spinster, too.

Alec: Yeah, I keep telling Ess, “You know Caelyn? Total spinster.”

Ess: Hey, you know what? Josh isn’t married.

Josh (beat): Subtle.

Alec: She’s taking a more direct approach now days.

Caelyn: Yeah, but Josh isn’t “ready.”

Josh: What is that supposed to mean?

Caelyn: I don’t know, you’re the one who says it.

Josh: You say it too.

Caelyn: Well if you’re going to twist my words.

Ess: Aren’t they cute together?

Luke: I am so going to miss this.

Ess: We’re going to miss you too, Luke.

Shift.

Mrs. Heaton’s house. (Caelyn, Gerrard, Melanie, Caelyn’s mom, various other relatives)

Mom: You do realize-

Gerrard: Becky.

Mom (grinning): You do realize that he’s almost eighty-years old. He has a walker in his closet.

Melanie (laughs): I’m old too.

Mom: You can’t be a day over twenty-eight.

Melanie (laughs again): I’m forty-four.

Caelyn: Mom, Aunt Laura wants to know if there’s peanuts in the salad.

Mom: Tell her yes, because after fifty years- you know what, I’ll be right back. (exits)

Gerrard: Sisters.

Melanie: I know, I have some.

Gerrard: Really?

Melanie: What about you, Caelyn? No siblings?

Caelyn: No, but it’s probably a good thing. I’m quite needy.

Gerrard: Needs a man.

Caelyn: Don’t- (quietly) don’t say that when my mom is around. She gets started and we’ll all be sorry.

Melanie: This is fun. Thank you, you know, for inviting me.

Gerrard: I’m glad you came.

Caelyn: I’m going to go check of the goose.

(doorbell rings)

Mom: I’ll get it. (opens door)

Josh: Hello, Mrs. Heaton.

Mom: Joshua, I’m so glad you came. Oh, Caelyn will be so pleased.

Josh: I brought a casserole.

Mom: Well, you’re mother must be so proud of you.

Josh: I hope so.

Mom: Well, come in.

Josh: Thank you.

Mom: You know, Caelyn really likes you.

Josh: Really?

Mom: You’ve made things so much easier for her. I want you to know it means a lot to me.

Josh: I really like her too.

Mom (grins): Caelyn!

Caelyn: The goose is- Josh! (hugs him) You came.

Josh: I did.

Caelyn: Got over yourself, did you?

Josh: Alec threatened to beat me up.

Caelyn: I’d pay money to see that.

Josh: You’d pay money for bottled water, so-

Mom: He brought a casserole.

Caelyn: How thoughtful.

Mom: Isn’t it? Such a nice young man.

Josh: You’re mom likes me.

Caelyn: She’s going senile.

Mom: A shame, isn’t it? And I don’t even have grandchildren yet.

Caelyn: Nice, mom.

Gerrard: Josh?

Josh: Gerrard. Hey, Melanie.

Melanie: How are you, Joshua?

Josh: Good. It’s nice to see you again.

Gerrard: She came for the goose.

Melanie: It’s true.

Gerrard: I told her about the potatoes, and the turkey, but it was the goose that did it.

Caelyn: Josh came because he’s pusillanimous.

Josh: Pusillanimous?

Caelyn: It means-

Josh: I know what it means, and, unlike you, I can spell it too.

Caelyn: I can spell it.

Josh: Pusillanimous?

Caelyn: No.

Josh: Okay.

Mom: Okay, everyone find a spot, before it gets cold!

Josh: Are you sure there’s room for me?

Caelyn: If not, there’s a dog house in the back.

Josh: Won’t the dog mind?

Caelyn: Doesn’t usually.

Mom: Everyone, we have some guests with us today. This is Melanie, a friend of Gerrard’s. And this is Joshua, Caelyn’s friend.

Gerrard: About time.

Everyone laughs and cheers.

Caelyn: Not like that.

Mom: Well, we’re hoping. Be patient with her, Josh.

Josh: Yes, ma’am.

Caelyn rolls her eyes.

Mom: Okay, now we’re setting the meats over on the end, so remember that when you’re filling your plates.

Gerrard: Microwave turkey, Josh?

Josh: Yeah, I’m… kind of an idiot.

Caelyn: I’ll say.

Josh: You do. Quite often, in fact.

Caelyn: It’s a vice.

Josh: You have a lot of those.

Fade out. End Scene 3.

Comments

- Just my personal opinion. I don't like how serious Episode 1 is, and I rarely like anything I write that's dramatic. Episode 2 is easily one of my favorites. The beginning of 4 bugs me, like it's too juvenile and lacks smart humor, although I like it when Ess tries to make Alec laugh, and Josh's comment about the cabinet having it coming. I like the piece of dialogue I carry through 5 about the time loop. When I read it, I know it's not all that great, but I had a lot of fun writing this one. Whenever my characters argue about things pertaining to nerdom, I enjoy it. Be wary of a future Master Chief vs. Samus Aran discussion.

- Episode 6 is probably the one I'm most uncertain about. I like particular parts a lot, but the whole "on the field" section didn't flow very well, not did the armory part. It had to be done for the story, but I'd probably redo a good deal of this episode. I like 7 a lot, but I feel guilty resorting to the "poker night" cliche. Still, one of my favorites. I actually tried to use physcial humor in Episode 8 with Luke and the trash basket and stuff. It plays out humorously in my mind, anyway.

- Overall, I don't like the drama or the parts where their job is focused on. I'd rather they made comments about it that left it mysterious, and never fully explained most stuff, since it's not about the job.

Ep 11

Scene 1: Josh’s office. Josh is on phone, Ess comes in.

Ess: Joshua.

Josh: Hey.

Ess: You busy?

Josh: I'm.. on the phone.

Ess: This will only be a minute.

Josh: 'kay.

Ess: I need you to sign off on my transfer to Ringo from the 7th to the 18th.

Josh (beat): What?

Ess: I need you to sign off on my transfer to Ringo for the next week and a half.

Josh: Is this a joke?

Ess: If it was a joke, I'd have said-

Josh: Ess.

Ess: Sorry.

Josh: What's going on?

Ess: Ringo's going to Israel.

Josh: Yeah?

Ess: They're short an officer because Davis is on his honeymoon.

Josh: And Marshe wants you?

Ess: I volunteered.

Josh (annoyed): Did you?

Ess: I did.

Josh: Why?

Ess: I want to go.

Josh: Really.

Ess: Yes.

Josh (shrugs): Sucks to be you.

Ess: Josh!

Josh: You work for Sierra. I'm not going to let Marshe or anyone else play general with my men.

Ess: But I'm okay with it.

Josh: I couldn't care less if you‘re okay with it.

Ess: You're being awfully cold about this.

Josh (sighs): You know this stuff makes me crazy.

Ess (beat/quietly): You have any idea how badly I want to see it? My grandfather can't even get in, and he lived there for forty-seven years. This... this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Please, Josh?

Josh: What did Gerrard say?

Ess: It's your call.

Josh: Is that what you're saying or did he-

Ess: That's what he said.

Josh: I'll need to talk with Marshe.

Ess: Okay.

Josh: I'm not saying anything. I don't like doing this.

Ess: I know. Thank you.

Josh: Yeah.

Ess (beat): You're still on hold?

Josh: I'm starting to wonder.

Ess: Okay. (exits his office/Josh continues to hold)

Shift - ADTEO lobby.

Caelyn: It's a little fast.

Luke: It is?

Caelyn: Yeah.

Luke: I disagree.

Caelyn: You don't think it's a little fast?

Luke: No. No, I don't.

Caelyn: Okay.

Luke: In fact, I think it's slow, if anything.

Caelyn: Really.

Luke: We click.

Caelyn: You click?

Luke: Yes.

Caelyn: Like those veiny-blue aliens on Star Trek?

Luke; What?

Caelyn: It takes more than clicking.

Luke: You don't even have a boyfriend.

Caelyn: I could.

Luke: You don't.

Caelyn: You're meeting her parents already. The next step is to become engaged.

Luke: Yeah, if this was 1937.

Caelyn: Okay.

Luke (beat): Maybe it is too fast.

Caelyn: I think so.

Luke (sighs): What am I doing?

Caelyn: I do not know.

Luke: Caelyn!

Caelyn: What are you mad at me for?

Luke: You could be... I don't know, supportive or something.

Caelyn: I don't want people to associate me with the chaos that is your relationship.

Luke: What?

Caelyn: I'm kidding.

Luke: What do I do?

Caelyn: I don't know.

Luke: Aren't you supposed to be a relationship guru or something?

Caelyn: Not really, no.

Luke: It shows.

They enter elevator. Shift.

Alec: I've found a hobby.

Josh: You did?

Alec: I did.

Josh: You didn't have one before?

Alec: A hobby?

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: No.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: Want to know what it is?

Josh: Not really.

Alec: That's okay.

Josh: 'cause you're going to tell me anyway.

Alec: That's right.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: Sailing.

Josh: Sailing?

Alec: Sailing. The wind on my face, the open water, serenity and freedom.

Josh: You haven't been out yet, have you?

Alec: Not exactly.

Josh: Do me a favor and let me know how that goes, alright?

Alec: Sure. What did Ess want?

Josh: She didn't tell you?

Alec: Tell me what?

Josh: You should probably ask her.

Alec: I'm asking you.

Josh: Yeah, well, stop it.

Alec: Josh.

Josh: What?

Alec: What's going on?

Josh (shrugs): Ask your girlfriend.

Alec (beat): Okay.

Josh: You have an instructor?

Alec: I'm sorry?

Josh: For the sailing.

Alec: Yeah, until I get the hang of it.

Josh: Good, because otherwise you’d mess it up.

Alec: Whatever.

Josh: Bows and ports every which way.

Alec: You know even less than I do.

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: Okay. I'm going to go to my desk.

Josh: Okay.

Shift. Gerrard enters ADTEO.

Janie: Secretary Torrie is in your office.

Gerrard: Really.

Janie: For about thirty-five minutes now.

Gerrard: You should have called me.

Janie: I did.

Gerrard: Yeah, my cell was off.

Janie: Yeah, it was, eve though we‘ve talked about that. You remember talking about that, don’t you, boss?

Gerrard: Leave me alone.

Janie: She’s still in there, by the way.

Gerrard: Okay.

Janie: I offered her something to drink.

Gerrard: Fine.

Janie (beat): Gerrard.

Gerrard: What?

Janie: How you doing?

Gerrard: Yeah. (goes into his office)

Shift to Gerrard's office.

Gerrard: Secretary.

Torrie: Commander.

Gerrard: I apologize for keeping you waiting.

Torrie: Yes.

Gerrard (slight beat): How can I help you?

Torrie: ADF has recently come into possession of information that confirms Nicholas Bonite has commissioned a terror cell within our borders. We have reason to believe that the surrogate leader is one Terry Raglin.

Gerrard: Bonite's nephew.

Torrie: Yes. ADF wants you to take Raglin out.

Gerrard: They want me-?

Torrie: Your team.

Gerrard: Because I'm getting a little old for that kind of thing.

Torrie: This isn't a joke.

Gerrard: I... didn't think it was.

Torrie: We'd like Moritz or Wright. Both, if you can spare it.

Gerrard: Wright doesn't do this anymore.

Torrie: Inter-department-?

Gerrard: Assassinations.

Torrie: Mortiz, then?

Gerrard: It's his call.

Torrie (annoyed): Of course.

Shift.

Caelyn: Kevin?

Kevin: Just a second. (types something for a beat, then looks up) What can I do for you?

Caelyn: I have to go to Denmark next week.

Kevin: For the, uh-

Caelyn: Wilcomb-

Kevin: Wilcomb Initiative, yeah. Yeah, sorry about that, kiddo.

Caelyn: It’s okay. Part of the job.

Kevin I like your attitude.

Caelyn: Well, you have to be professional about these things.

Kevin: Yeah.

Caelyn: Won’t do to be unprofessional.

Kevin: What is it you need?

Caelyn: There’s just one problem with me going to Denmark.

Kevin: What’s wrong?

Caelyn: I don’t want to go to Denmark.

Kevin: Caelyn.

Caelyn: Don’t make me go.

Kevin: I have absolutely no say in these kinds of things.

Caelyn: You could go for me. Take your wife, make a vacation out of it.

Kevin: Vacation to Denmark?

Caelyn: You could visit a shoe factory.

Kevin: That’s the Netherlands.

Caelyn: What’s in Denmark?

Kevin: The Danish?

Caelyn: Yeah.

Kevin: I’d have a hard time convincing the missus on this one.

Caelyn (whining): Kevin.

Kevin: What happened to professional?

Caelyn (beat): I’m getting shipped to Denmark!

Kevin: Sorry. You drew the short straw on this one.

Caelyn (almost pouting): I don’t want to go to Denmark.

Kevin shrugs. Shift.

Alec: Hey.

Ess: Hey there.

Alec: What's going on?

Ess: I'm going down to Lucky's to get a cappuccino.

Alec: I mean with Josh.

Ess: What?

Alec: You know what I mean.

Ess: I don't.

Alec: I think you do.

Ess: Well… okay, but I don’t.

Alec: Ess.

Ess: What's going on with Josh?

Alec: I asked him what you two were talking about and he wouldn't tell me.

Ess: Ah, that.

Alec: He told me to talk to you.

Ess: Really?

Alec: Yeah.

Ess: He didn't tell you?

Alec: No.

Ess: Well, good for him.

Alec: Ess-

Ess: I asked to transfer over to Ringo for their operation to Israel.

Alec (beat): You're kidding.

Ess: Josh hasn't okayed it yet.

Alec: Why didn't you-

Ess: I wanted to, honey. I really did. I... kept chickening out.

Alec: You were scared?

Ess: Yeah, I figured you'd be against it, and get mad, and then we'd yell at each other.

Alec: That's... bleak.

Ess: Yeah.

Alec: So what, you were going to avoid me until the plane left?

Ess: I admit it was a long-shot.

Alec: Ess!

Ess: Sorry. I'm kidding. I was kidding. Look, I was going to tell you, but then I felt bad I hadn't told you earlier, and then it got later so I became more worried, and the tension kept building until every time saw you I was torn between the pressure to fall at your feet or to flee, and-

Alec: Okay.

Ess: What?

Alec: It's okay.

Ess: It’s okay?

Alec: I'm not mad.

Ess (skeptically): You're not?

Alec: No. I would have preferred that we could have talked about this together, but I understand how important seeing Israel is to you. I'm not going to try and talk you out of it. (beat) Although, you know that I think Marshe is a complete idiot.

Ess (laughs): Yeah.

Alec (smiles slightly): You want me to talk to Josh?

Ess (smiles for a moment, and then hugs him): You're such a good guy, Alec.

Alec (sighs): I know.

Shift - main offices.

Gerrard: Josh. (Josh goes into his office)

Josh: Secretary Torrie was here?

Gerrard: She was.

Josh: How's your blood pressure?

Gerrard: It's fine.

Josh: It's fine?

Gerrard: There aren't any problems with my blood pressure.

Josh: Because sometimes you get upset.

Gerrard: Not this time.

Josh (nods, beat): Been known to throw things.

Gerrard: Josh.

Josh: Sorry.

Gerrard (sighs): She wanted... Josh, there is no pressure on you to do this, from me especially.

Josh: Do what?

Gerrard: She wants you to make a hit.

Josh (beat): Really.

Gerrard: Listen to me, you don't have to do this, okay?

Josh: Who's the mark?

Gerrard: Josh-

Josh: It's okay. Who's the mark?

Gerrard: Bonite's nephew. Uh, Raglin. He's the head of a state-side cell.

Josh: Okay. (beat) Who's the back-up?

Gerrard: After you?

Josh: Yeah.

Gerrard: Lasham.

Josh: Lasham's new.

Gerrard: He'll be alright.

Josh: She asked for me?

Gerrard: And Alec.

Josh: Don't tell-

Gerrard: Yeah.

Josh: Okay. (beat) Tell her to send the specs.

Gerrard: Okay.

Shift - Alec and Caelyn.

Caelyn: Hey, Alec.

Alec: Hey, guess what?

Caelyn: What?

Alec: I’m not taking your place in Denmark!

Caelyn (acting offended): I wasn’t-

Alec: Yes, you were.

Caelyn: Yes, I was, and I think you should hear me out.

Alec: Watch them make shoes?

Caelyn: I get confused.

Alec: Yes.

Caelyn: It’s because I’m unstable.

Alec: Again, I’m not disagreeing.

Caelyn: Too unstable to go to Denmark.

Alec: If only you could do something to prove it, like wear a dress around the camp- no, wait.

Caelyn: That’s funny.

Alec: I’m hilarious.

Caelyn: Alec.

Alec: Sorry, but I can’t help.

Caelyn: Well, then, I guess we’re not as good of friends as I thought.

Alec (sighs, beat, then brightly): Guess not.

Caelyn: Alec!

Alec: Ess tell you she was going to Israel?

Caelyn: Of course. She tells me everything.

Alec: Really?

Caelyn: No. Yes. Maybe.

Alec: Quite the flake, aren’t you?

Caelyn: I don’t want to go to Denmark.

Alec: And I don’t want Ess to go to Israel. We all have to make sacrifices.

Caelyn: Well, of course you don’t.

Alec: Why do you say that?

Caelyn: You know.

Alec: No, why do you say that?

Caelyn: Because she and Marshe used to have a thing.

Alec (freezes, beat): What?

Caelyn: I’m kidding.

Alec: Caelyn!

Caelyn: Your face went (makes a face). It was funny.

Alec: You’re very cruel.

Caelyn: Denmark makes me so.

Alec: You haven’t even been there yet.

Caelyn: I’m anticipating.

Alec: Yeah.

Shift - Hallway, Ess and Luke.

Luke: Hey, you leaving us?

Ess: I'm trying.

Luke: Israel, huh?

Ess: Yeah.

Luke: My dad got in there once.

He couldn't go anywhere without an armed escort.

Ess: Do you know why Secretary Torrie was here?

Luke: I didn't know she was.

Ess: Yeah.

Luke: Did Gerrard blow a fuse?

Ess: People really still say that?

Luke: I'm bringing it back.

Ess: Does he ever?

Luke: Gerrard?

Ess: Yeah.

Luke: I hear things.

Ess: You hear things?

Luke: The Antares Incident.

Ess (beat): What?

Luke: The Antares Incident. Alec told me.

Ess: Alec made that up.

Luke: I don't think so.

Ess: Antares is a planet on Star Trek.

Luke (beat): Am I this gullible?

Ess: No. Luke: Really?

Ess: Yeah, you are.

Luke (sighs): Thanks.

Ess: Hey, Caelyn tells me that you're meeting Adriana's parents?

Luke: Yeah. (beat) She thinks it's too soon.

Ess: It's not.

Luke: Yeah?

Ess: Not at all.

Luke: Well, thank you, Ess. I appreciate you saying that.

Ess: How much did the ring cost you?

Luke (looks at her blankly): What?

Ess: The ring. You better not have skimped. She's only going to get one of these, you know.

Luke (beat): Is there any chance at all that you two are playing me right now?

Ess: A slight one.

Luke (beat, begins to walk away): 'kay.

Ess: If you guys haven't picked a band yet, I know some people.

Shift - Prep room. Josh is packing, Caelyn is there, sitting on a table.

Caelyn: One good thing- just one.

Josh (beat): It's the setting of Hamlet.

Caelyn: The setting of Hamlet?

Josh: Yeah, with, you know, Rosencrantz and friends. (beat) I think it's kind of cool.

Caelyn: Yeah, but you're a huge nerd.

Josh (agreeably): Yeah.

Caelyn: So where are you going?

Josh: Still can't tell you.

Caelyn: Really?

Josh: Really.

Caelyn: Can't or won't?

Josh: Either.

Caelyn: 'Cause you're a sissy?

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: You going to whack someone?

Josh: Could you ask that with any more glee?

Caelyn laughs.

Josh: There any Tylenol in there? My head is killing me.

Caelyn (opens drawer): Most people would have said something other than Rosencrantz.

Josh: Yeah, I'm weird that way.

Caelyn (throws him pills): I was kidding, before.

Josh: Most people would have said something other than Rosencrantz.

Caelyn: I mean about you making a hit. It was a joke.

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: I don't really think you'd do that.

Josh (tiny beat): Yeah.

Caelyn: You okay?

Josh: My head hurts.

Caelyn: It's probably from stress.

Josh: Why would I be under any stress?

Caelyn: Because you won't tell me the secret mission and it's building up inside.

Josh: No.

Caelyn: Could be.

Josh: It's not.

Caelyn: I'm saying it's possible.

Josh: I'm saying you're wrong, and, interestingly enough, giving me a headache.

Caelyn: Okay. (beat) I get anxious.

Josh (beat): About what?

Caelyn (shrugs uncomfortably): My friends. You're going somewhere that you say isn't dangerous, but you have enough firepower to take Maine. Ess is going away without any of us. (beat) Anyway. Sometimes I get anxious.

Josh (beat): You know, I could probably take Maine with a Beretta and my thumbs, so really- (Caelyn breathes a laugh) you know I wouldn't sign off on Ess' leaving if I wasn't absolutely certain-

Caelyn: Yeah, I know. (beat) Sorry; it's left over, I think.

Josh: It's okay.

Caelyn: So... where are you going?

Josh: You really want to know?

Caelyn: Don't taunt me, Josh.

Josh (grins): I'll see you when I get back.

Caelyn: Okay. I'll be here.

Josh: Me too. (exits)

Caelyn: Better be.

Fade out.

Scene 3: Gerrard's office, late. Josh looks in.

Gerrard: Josh. How'd it go?

Josh: Lovely.

Gerrard: Josh?

Josh: He's dead. (beat) It was a good shot.

Gerrard: Yeah?

Josh (distantly): One of a kind.

Gerrard: Well, good job, then. I'll finish things up with the department. You want the, uh, the same account?

Josh (looks confused for a slight beat): Yeah.

Gerrard: You okay?

Josh: My head hurts.

Gerrard: You look pale.

Josh: I'm always pale.

Gerrard: Yeah.

Josh (beat): Caelyn said something-... before I left, Caelyn said something to me. She jokingly asked if I was making a hit, then said she doesn't think of me like that.

Gerrard: That bothered you?

Josh: Well... yeah.

Gerrard: You'd rather she did think of you like that?

Josh: No. Well, I'd rather she... she knew who I was, and was okay with it.

Gerrard: Then tell her.

Josh: And then she isn't okay with it, and things get...

Gerrard: Awkward?

Josh: Yeah.

Gerrard (beat): Can I give you some advice?

Josh: Please.

Gerrard: Take tomorrow off.

Josh: That's your advice?

Gerrard: It's good advice.

Josh: No, it's not.

Gerrard: Okay.

Josh: I can't. I need to talk to Marshe.

Gerrard: I can talk to Marshe.

Josh: Yeah, that'd be fun. I'll see you in the morning.

Gerrard: Okay.

Shift - ADTEO, Gerrard's office, morning. Conference (everyone but Kevin, Janie, and Josh)

Gerrard: Good morning. Over the past month I have been receiving numerous complaints about my agents failing to meet their domestic and academic obligations. I know some of you see these duties as meaningless and I'm here to tell you to knock it off.

Alec: Can I just-

Gerrard: No. From now on, there will be no cancellations, and there will be no rescheduling. If you are assigned a lecture, a class, or a training day, you will attend, and you will represent Sierra well.

Ess raises her hand.

Gerrard: What?

Ess: Josh isn't actually here.

Gerrard (sighs): Yeah, I know.

Ess: I only mention it because-

Gerrard: Yeah.

Ess: -he's not very reliable.

Gerrard: He wasn't feeling well.

Alec: But you went ahead with your little lecture anyway?

Gerrard: Yes, Alec, I did.

Alec: Well, I admire your bravado.

Caelyn: Josh is your favorite, isn't he?

Gerrard: At the moment?

Shift- Main offices. Elevator opens, Josh exits.

Janie: You aren't supposed to come in today!

Josh: Why not?

Janie: You're not feeling well.

Josh: I'm feeling fine.

Janie: Except you're gravely ill.

Josh: Janie-

Janie (follows him into his office): The brink of death.

Josh: Can I help you?

Janie: Gerrard said-

Josh: I'm fine.

Janie: Then why are you late?

Josh: I had to talk to Commander Marshe.

Janie: You sure you didn't collapse in the parking lot?

Josh (beat): Maybe once.

Janie: Okay, you're going home.

Josh: That was a joke.

Gerrard enters from his office.

Gerrard: Go home.

Josh: I'm fine.

Gerrard: You don't look fine.

Josh: It's a... disguise.

Gerrard: You talk to Marshe?

Josh: Yeah.

Gerrard: Then go home.

Josh: Maybe later.

Gerrard (beat, calls into his office): You guys are done.

The others come in.

Ess: Look who shows up now.

Caelyn: How was your trip?

Josh: Quick.

Alec (to Luke): I hear you're getting married.

Luke: I'm not.

Alec: Ever?

Luke: No, I mean-

Alec: Oh, to Adriana.

Luke: That's... not exactly-

Alec: She seemed nice enough to me, but I'm sure you know best.

Luke: I hope you're having fun.

Alec: I am. (to Josh) Come here.

They move to a more private area.

Josh: What's up?

Alec: You should have told me.

Josh: About what?

Alec: I would have come with you.

Josh: I neither wanted nor needed you. (beat) To be there.

Alec: Doesn't matter. You should have told me.

Josh: Yeah, because I need an extra helping of guilt right now. How'd you find out?

Alec: It was in the channels.

Josh: Does Caelyn know?

Alec: I'm sorry?

Josh: Does (rubs his forehead)... does Caelyn know?

Alec (beat): I don't think so.

Josh: Okay. (sighs) You're out. I'd be no friend to pull you back in.

Alec: I thought you were out, too.

Josh (quietly): Yeah.

Alec: You okay?

Josh: Yeah. You know, my head....

Alec: You should go home.

Josh (laughs slightly): Listen, I'm going to sign off on Ess's transfer.

Alec (nods): You talked to Marshe?

Josh: Yeah. It's low-grade, routine for our guys. It'd be solo if it were in the states. (beat) She really wants this.

Alec: You tell her yet?

Josh: No. Can you do it for me?

Alec: Seriously?

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: You know that you're basically giving me a lot of goodwill that she would otherwise show to you?

Josh (laughs): Yeah.

Alec: Okay.

Josh: I have to talk to Caelyn, then I'm going get out of here.

Alec: 'Bout what?

Josh: What?

Alec: What do you have to talk to Caelyn about?

Josh: Nothing. Prior conversation... it got left hanging. Hey, how did sailing work out?

Alec: I’m still… I haven’t…- the boat looks nice.

Josh (beat): I have to talk to Caelyn now.

Alec: You going to tell her you love her?

Josh: Get out.

Alec (laughs): Get some rest, bro. (exits)

Josh: Caelyn!

Caelyn: Hey.

Josh: Hey.

Caelyn (beat): You okay, Josh?

Josh: Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Can we talk in my office?

Caelyn: Are you firing me?

Josh (laughs slightly): No.

Caelyn: Promoting me?

Shift to office as they enter.

Josh: Not exactly.

Caelyn: Do I still have to go to Denmark?

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: Well... okay. But this is sounding anti-climatic already.

Josh: I'm hoping. (shuts door) (long beat) I was making a hit. That's why the Secretary was here. She wanted me to take out a state-side terrorist, and I did.

Caelyn: Josh-

Josh: I'm that guy. I worked by specialized-contract before Gerrard hired me here. (beat) I am that kind of guy. (beat) I just... I didn't want to lie to you.

Caelyn (quietly/beat): Josh, did you think I'd condemn you for killing a terrorist?

Josh: No. I thought you might find me... repulsive. That's probably not the right word. (sighs) My head hurts.

Caelyn (walks over and gives him a hug): You're a good man.

Josh (sincerely, tiredly): Thank you.

Caelyn (holds on for a moment): You should go home.

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: Josh, it's very sweet that you were worried about what I would think.

Josh: I wasn't worried.

Caelyn (opens door): It was sweet.

Josh: Okay, but I wasn't worried.

Caelyn: Just a bit.

Josh (smiles, beat): I'm going home now.

Caelyn: Good.

Josh exits. She sits at her desk, and smiles after a moment. Fade out.

Ep 10

Scene 1: ADTEO - main offices, Josh, Ess.

Josh: Every year, Ess.

Ess: This year is different.

Josh: This year is the same.

Ess: No, it’s different. You want to know why it’s different?

Josh: Do you want to tell me?

Ess: This year I have a costume.

Josh: So you’re ready?

Ess: I’m ready.

Josh: Who?

Ess: What?

Josh: Of whom is the costume? Notice the change from ‘who’ to ‘whom?’

Ess: Guess.

Josh: Okay, I’m guessing you did, but don’t want to say.

Ess: Guess the costume.

Josh: Did you notice the change?

Ess: Yes, Josh, I noticed.

Josh: Not a lot of guys would have made that change.

Ess: I think you’re wrong, and, incidentally, boring.

Josh: Scarlet O’Hara.

Ess: No.

Josh: Buffy Summers.

Ess: No- how would you dress up-

Josh: Blonde wig, a stake.

Ess: A steak?

Josh: A piece of wood, not a barbequed sirloin.

Ess: No.

Josh: Cerberus, Guardian of Hades.

Ess: Be serious.

Josh: I shall not.

Ess: Fine, then. You’ll just have to wait until the party, (Josh begins to speak) and shut up.

Josh: John Goodman.

Ess: I’m done talking to you.

Josh: Because you are daunted by my superior grasp of the English language?

Ess: Not talking, and, whatever.

Josh: Alec will talk to-

Alec (off-screen): Josh!

Josh: See?

Alec: You’re not going to believe this.

Josh: Ess wants to have a Halloween party.

Alec: Again?

Ess: We’ve never had one before.

Alec: We have one every year.

Ess: No, we try to have one every year, but it never works.

Alec: ‘Cause you never get a costume.

Ess: I have one this year.

Alec: Psylocke?

Ess: And now I’m not talking to you, either.

Alec (to Josh): Listen, Mac Tanner was on the news last night.

Josh: Mac Tanner is always on the news. He’s like the anchor of CBN.

Alec: He named Gerrard by… name.

Josh (to Ess): Did ya’ hear that?

Ess rolls her eyes.

Alec: How come you’re not upset over this?

Josh: That sentence structure?

Alec: Tanner is on network television, trashing our boss.

Josh: He’s a hack, and everyone knows he’s a hack.

Alec: Well, clearly not everyone, since he keeps getting gigs.

Josh: He names a different officer every week. No one cares.

Alec: ‘I care.’ (to Ess) Luke Skywalker, A New Hope.

Ess: I know you’d expect me to be impressed, but I’m oddly not.

Alec: Well, give it a minute. (beat/ to Josh) You really don’t care?

Josh: I really don’t.

Alec: I would have thought you more loyal.

Josh: Give it a rest.

Alec (to Ess): What about you?

Ess: You’re going to think it’s cool.

Alec: I’m sorry?

Ess: My costume.

Alec (beat): Okay.

Ess: You want to know what it is?

Alec: Sure.

Ess: Guess.

Alec: I really didn’t care that much. (to Josh) I’m going to talk to Gerrard.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: I’m going to tell him that at least one of us has his back.

Caelyn enters.

Josh: He’s not going to care.

Caelyn: Did you get it?

Ess: I did!

Caelyn: Josh, we’re having a Halloween party.

Josh: Are you?

Caelyn: Yes. It will be fun.

Josh: Okay.

Ess: I already have a costume.

Caelyn: She already has a costume.

Josh: I know.

Caelyn: We need party snacks and decorations.

Ess: And everyone needs a costume.

Josh: Please stop.

Caelyn: This is exciting.

Alec: Is that what it is?

Ess: You have to buy a costume?

Alec: You mean I can’t just cut holes in my pillow case?

Ess: We’re thinking of inviting people.

Alec: You don’t know any other people.

Ess: I know people.

Josh: Invite whomever you want. See, there I go again with the ‘whom.’

Ess: I sit here unmoved.

Josh: Only because you’re a cultural wasteland.

Ess: And that makes sense.

Caelyn: What did I miss?

Ess: Josh is in love with his ability to conjugate verbs.

Josh: Do you even know what that means?

Ess: I know I have a costume that will knock your socks off.

Josh: Napoleon Dynamite?

Ess: Referencing obscure fiction went over real well with Amy, did it?

Alec: It’s not obscure.

Josh: Amy liked my quirks.

Ess: Yet still left you at the altar.

Josh: Never said she liked me.

Fade out. End Scene 1.

Scene 2: ADTEO - Alec, Josh, Ess, Caelyn.

Caelyn (suddenly giggles/ everyone looks up at her): Sorry. (beat) I was just picturing Ess as Napoleon Dynamite.

Ess: Well, stop it.

Caelyn: That nice, burgundy suit.

Josh and Alec laugh. Gerrard enters.

Gerrard: What’s the joke?

Alec: Ess is dressing as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween.

Gerrard (beat): Isn’t that what she is every year?

Ess: I never dress up! This is the first time!

Gerrard: Oh. I’ll be in my office.

Alec: Gerrard.

Gerrard: Yeah?

Josh: Don’t.

Alec: Mac Tanner-

Josh: Dude.

Alec: Mac Tanner was on ABC news last night railing against ADTE policy. He named you.

Gerrard: Okay. (turns toward his office)

Alec: Boss, you want us to-

Gerrard turns and looks at him, waiting patiently and curiously.

Alec (beat): - take him out?

Gerrard: Take him out?

Alec: Or something.

Gerrard (laughs): Stop watching Mac Tanner on TV, Alec. (enters his office)

Josh: It’s almost as if I’m clairvoyant.

Alec: You can’t spell clairvoyant.

Josh: No one can spell clairvoyant.

Caelyn: I’m going out.

Josh: You just got here.

Caelyn: I’m going to buy a pumpkin.

Josh: We actually pay you to work here.

Caelyn: Maybe more than one pumpkin.

Josh: We pay you quite a lot.

Caelyn: My own little insincere pumpkin patch.

Ess: I’ll go with you.

Caelyn: Okay. (they exit)

Josh and Alec exchange a glance.

Alec: Breakfast?

Josh: Sure.

They exit.

Shift- Late night, ADTEO, Main Offices. Josh, Ess, Luke, Janie, Caelyn. They are all busy, talking on the phones and other activities. Frantic atmosphere.

Josh (walks out of his office): Janie!

Janie: I’m right here.

Josh: Get me the chief back. Luke?

Luke (with a phone, on hold): Still nothing.

Josh: Okay.

Janie: Chief Minon, line 3.

Josh goes into his office. Shift inside.

Josh (picks up phone): Chief, this is Moritz again. (pause) I understand, but I honestly don’t care. (pause) Yeah, well, it’s not your call. Put him on the phone. (pause) Because if you don’t, I’ll have your badge within the hour. (pause) Excellent. (hangs up/walks back out to main offices)

Shift.

Josh: Janie, Alec’s going to be-

Janie’s phone rings.

Janie: Alec? (slight pause) Right here. (hands phone to Josh)

Josh (into phone): You okay? (pause) Well, yeah. Was it clean? (pause)

Luke: Josh! The Director is issuing the order as we speak.

Josh (into phone): Alright, they’re bringing you out. (pause) What’s his name? (pause) Caelyn, find everything you can on Jett Terrance.

Caelyn nods.

Josh (into phone): We’ll talk when you get back. (hangs up)

Luke’s phone rings.

Luke (into phone): Sorrason. (long pause) Thank you. (hangs up) The Director’s office is having the county cops bring Alec to the nearest airport. He should be arriving at ADTE’s airbase by 0400.

Josh: Good. Good work, Luke.

Caelyn: Josh?

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: Jett Mathias Terrance, son of former senator Lincoln Terrance, graduated from Ohio State last year. He’s been working in anti-cleansing organizations for the last six. Both CIA and ADTE have files on him, and there is unconfirmed suspicion that he helped orchestrate the violent riot at Cleveland.

Josh: ADTE interference?

Caelyn: Multiple, but never severe.

Ess: Did he say it was clean?

Josh: Yeah, it was clean.

Ess: So he’s going to be okay, then, right?

Josh: Yeah. Might get ugly if the senator starts spinning it. Caelyn, find his voting records in regards to-

Caelyn: Already did. Apparently, he and his son don’t see eye-to-eye politically.

Josh: Okay. Well, let’s hope we don’t have to talk about that again.

Kevin comes out of Gerrard’s office.

Kevin: Josh.

Josh (nods): Ess.

Ess looks surprised but follows him into Gerrard’s office.

Shift - Gerrard’s office.

Gerrard: You get him back?

Josh: I’ll pick him up at the airfield in a few hours.

Gerrard: Good. I’ve been speaking with a very angry senator.

Josh: You knew who got hit?

Gerrard: Not until the senator called.

Josh: Alec said it was clean.

Gerrard: I’m sure it was, but we’ll have to verify it.

Josh: Yeah.

Ess (quietly): What happened?

Gerrard: I’m sorry?

Ess: What happened, exactly?

Kevin: Alec was hunting two hostiles on the outskirts of Chicago. Apparently, Mr. Terrance has himself a tracking device, and was waiting for ADTE arrival. The body count is two dead hostiles, and Mr. Terrance remains in critical condition.

Ess: He tried to save the ghouls?

Gerrard: Most likely. It’s what the anti-cleansing crowd does.

Ess: So… why would Alec even be arrested?

Gerrard: He shouldn’t have been, but the boy was smart enough not to cause any more trouble. Legally, we could close down the entire police department for interference, but that would be overkill, I think.

Josh: Just a bit.

Gerrard: You talked to the Chief?

Josh: Yeah.

Gerrard: Talk to him again.

Josh: Put fear in him?

Gerrard (smiles slightly): Just a bit.

Josh nods, and he opens the door for Ess. They exit.

Shift - main offices.

Josh: Janie, get me the chief one more time.

Janie: Okay, but he really doesn’t like you.

Josh: I don’t much like him either.

Janie: Line 2.

Josh: It was three last time.

Janie: Cool.

Josh: Okay.

Fade out. End Scene 2.

Scene 3: Ess and Caelyn’s apartment. Ess opens the door (she is dressed as Aeris). Luke and Adriana are there (Luke is dressed as Antonio Banderas and Adriana is dressed as Selma Hayek from Desperado).

Ess (cheerfully): Come in!

Luke: Ess, this is Adriana.

Adriana (smiling): I think we’ve met before.

Ess: In the lobby a few times. I’m so glad you could make it.

Adriana: I love your costume.

Ess: Thank you!

Adriana: I was going to go with a whole Cinderella thing, but Luke wanted to match.

Ess: You guys look really nice together.

Shift -kitchen: Josh and Caelyn. (Josh is dressed as Alucard from Hellsing, Caelyn as Sarah Connor from Terminator 2)

Caelyn: Who are you supposed to be?

Josh: Alucard.

Caelyn: I don’t know who that is.

Josh: From Hellsing.

Caelyn: Oh, Alucard from Hellsing.

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: Who is that?

Josh: Forget it.

Caelyn: ‘Cause he looks awfully European.

Josh: Ouch.

Caelyn: You know who I am?

Josh: You’re Caelyn.

Caelyn: Josh.

Josh: That’s a costume?

Caelyn: You think I just dress like th- of course this is a costume!

Josh: Okay.

Caelyn: Here. (picks up a large model automatic rifle and puts on sunglasses)

Josh (beat): That’s kind of hot.

Caelyn (giggles): I’m Sarah Connor, from Terminator.

Josh: I know.

Caelyn: Who are you, again?

Josh: Alucard.

Caelyn: Is he a bad guy?

Josh: Sort of.

Caelyn: Because he looks ridiculous.

Josh: That’s how awesome he is. He can get away dressing like this.

Caelyn: Sarah Connor could take him.

Josh: She really couldn’t.

Caelyn: You see this gun?

Josh: I’m an immortal vampire.

Caelyn (beat): So, then, a draw?

Josh: You have no chance, Heaton.

Caelyn (laughs/beat): You think I’m hot?

Josh: Usually.

Caelyn: Are you flirting with me, Josh?

Josh (airily): It’s what I do.

Shift - Alec enters apartment. Ess immediately pulls him aside.

Ess: Alec.

Alec: What?

Ess: You can’t do this, Alec.

Alec: Do what?

Ess: Use this as an excuse to be despondent.

Alec: Use what?

Ess: Alec.

Alec: Ess, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ess: I’m talking about Jett Terrance.

Alec: You think I’m despondent about Terrance?

Ess: Yes.

Alec: I’m not.

Ess: I think you are.

Alec: Okay, but I’m not.

Ess: Then why aren’t you in costume?

Alec: How do you get from-

Ess: If you weren’t depressed, you’d have worn a costume.

Alec: I’m wearing a costume!

Ess: What?

Alec: This is my costume.

Ess: You’re wearing a sweater.

Alec: I’m Bob Saget.

Ess (beat): Who?

Alec (looks at her in disbelief): Josh!

Shift - Gerrard and Melanie (attractive woman in her early forties) are in Gerrard’s office.

Melanie: I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. Agent Wright’s decision saved lives, not only his own.

Gerrard: Verification?

Melanie: Before midnight, I’d expect.

Gerrard (smiles): Excellent. Thank you, Ms. Park.

Melanie: Call me Melanie.

Gerrard (nods): Well, I certainly appreciate your work on this matter.

Melanie (smiles): It’s my job, Commander Sully.

Gerrard: No, you can’t do that.

Melanie (laughs slightly): Gerrard.

Gerrard (beat): Would you like to go get some coffee? Or, you know, pie?

Melanie (surprised): You take all lawyers who come into your office to coffee?

Gerrard: Just the good ones.

Melanie (smiles/nods): Coffee sounds nice.

Shift - Kitchen: Luke, Ess, and Caelyn.

Ess: So?

Luke: So, what?

Caelyn: She seems nice.

Luke: That’s why you asked me to come in here?

Ess: Of course.

Luke: You said you needed help bringing out the food.

Caelyn: And you’re gullible.

Luke (sighs): She is nice.

Alec (comes in and grabs a glass, starts filling it with water): I like her costume.

Ess: You what?

Alec (beat): I don’t like her costume. Ew.

Ess: Shut up.

Alec: I like your costume.

Ess: It’s better than Bill Saget.

Alec: Bob… Bob Saget. (he exits)

Caelyn: What are her hobbies?

Luke: She likes hockey.

Caelyn: Yeah? Hockey is good.

Luke: I’m glad you think so.

Ess: Does she have family?

Luke: I’m not sure leaving her out there with Josh and Alec is such a smart idea.

Ess: Does she have family?

Luke: Yeah, a big one.

Caelyn: Have you met any of them?

Luke: What is this?

Caelyn: We’re showing interest.

Luke: Why?

Caelyn: Because we’re interested.

Shift - Apartment living room. Adriana is showing Josh how to roll his tongue.

Adriana: No, like this.

Josh: This?

Adriana: No. You know, you’re like the only person ever who can’t do it.

Josh: Well, I don’t think that data is very accurate.

Adriana: My three-year old nephew can do it.

Alec: Is that a big deal where you come from?

Adriana: I’m just saying.

Alec: Why isn’t the food ready yet?

Josh: The girls are probably busy playing ‘Truth or Dare.’

Alec: I find myself feeling less and less that you know anything about women.

Adriana: I’ll go check.

Alec: Me too.

Josh: Is this a bonding thing?

Alec: Shut up.

The three of them get up and go into the kitchen.

Alec: We need food.

Caelyn (throws him a bag of chips): Here.

Alec (beat): Cool. (walks out)

Adriana: What’s up?

Luke: They don’t think I’m good enough for you.

Caelyn: He really isn’t.

Adriana (laughs/to Luke): I think you’re alright.

Ess: That won’t last.

Luke: They’re kind of like harpies.

Caelyn: And that’s the extent of his winning charm.

Josh: How’s your boyfriend, Caelyn?

Caelyn: What?

Josh: Ooh, yeah, I keep forgetting. You don’t have one. (Caelyn raises her eyebrows in humored surprise) (to Ess) And aren’t you dating Alec?

Ess: Yeah, okay. I shouldn’t be talking.

Josh: Really shouldn’t.

Caelyn: I could have a boyfriend, if I wanted one.

Josh: Uh huh.

Caelyn: I could.

Adriana: You could.

Josh (to Luke): Women.

Luke: Yeah.

Ess: Hey, Josh.

Josh: No, I will not make out with you.

Ess: Shut up.

Josh: ‘Kay.

Ess: Is Alec okay?

Josh: With the thing?

Ess: Yeah.

Josh: He’s fine.

Ess: You sure.

Josh: Yeah. He’s fine.

Ess: He seems a little distant.

Josh: He’s tired. Don’t worry about it.

Ess: I find myself unable to help it.

Josh: ‘cause you’re in love.

Ess: Seriously, shut up. (to the others) I’m going to go watch movies with my boyfriend. If you’re not out there, you don’t get a say in what we watch.

Josh: If you put in Pride and Prejudice, we’re all going to go home.

Adriana: I love that movie!

Josh: Luke, I hate to say it, but you’re too good for her.

Caelyn hits his shoulder.

Josh: You hit like a girl.

Caelyn: Always funny, Josh.

Josh: I know.

Ess and Adriana and Luke file out.

Josh: How does it feel to be the sixth wheel?

Caelyn: What?

Josh: The sixth wheel. I just wanted to let you know you don’t need to feel uncomfortable.

Caelyn (laughs): Okay. (beat) You really think I can’t get a boyfriend?

Josh: I call ‘em as I see ‘em.

Caelyn: I can get any guy I want.

Josh: Sure.

Caelyn: I like my life right now, is all. I’m happy with my job, and my friends, and I don’t feel I need to change it.

Josh: I know. I feel the same way.

Caelyn: No, it’s different with you. Your fiancée left you, and now you’re gun-shy.

Josh (laughs): Okay.

Caelyn (grins): I’m kidding.

Josh: I know.

Caelyn: I really could have a boyfriend.

Josh: Yeah, whatever.

They exit the kitchen. Shift to living room.

Josh: Alec, come here a minute.

Ess: Josh, we’re gonna watch the movie now.

Josh: Just a minute.

Alec and Josh enter kitchen. Shift to kitchen.

Josh: Hey.

Alec: Hey.

Josh: Ess is worried about you.

Alec: Yeah, she shouldn’t be.

Josh: I told her that.

Alec: Good.

Josh: I told her you were fine, and that she shouldn’t be worried.

Alec (nods): Good.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: That’s it?

Josh: Yeah.

Alec: Okay. (starts to exit)

Josh: Alec.

Alec: Yeah?

Josh: Are you okay?

Alec (smiles slightly): I’m fine, Josh.

Josh (nods): Okay.

They walk back out.

Ess: All set?

Alec: Yeah.

Ess: Is everything okay?

Josh: Stop worrying?

Ess: I’m not worrying.

Josh: You are fretful and anxious.

Ess: That doesn’t make you look smart.

Josh: Yeah, it does.

Alec: Watch the movie.

Josh’s phone rings.

Josh (on cell): Moritz.

Ess: I can worry about my boyfriend.

Alec: Watch the movie.

Adriana: What’s going on?

Luke: Nothing.

Alec: Thank you.

Ess: Alec is hurting inside.

Alec: I am not hurting- would you watch the movie?

Adriana: What happened?

Alec: I shot somebody, and Ess thinks I am suffering under the emotional burden of that act.

Ess: See? It’s a burden.

Josh hangs up.

Caelyn: Who was that?

Josh: No one.

Caelyn: Was it the Scarlet Pimpernel, asking for his clothes back?

Josh: That’s funny.

Caelyn: I’m a funny girl.

Alec: Josh.

Josh: You’re a funny girl, too.

Alec: Josh.

Josh: Watch the movie.

Alec: Josh.

Josh (beat/sighs): Jett Terrance died about an hour ago.

Alec looks at him for a moment, then nods slowly. Everyone is quiet. Fade out. End Scene 3.

Scene 4: ADTEO, Gerrard’s office - Josh, Alec, Luke, Gerrard.

Alec: I’m not saying permanent, I’m just saying-

Gerrard: And I’m saying no.

Josh: You didn’t do anything wrong.

Alec: I know I didn’t.

Josh: Then act like it.

Alec (to Gerrard): For ADTE.

Gerrard: ADTE can do with your martyrdom.

Alec: Only for a few weeks. Something on my record.

Gerrard: We are not going into the business of apologizing for doing what we have to! You understand me?

Alec: For P.R.!

Josh: We’re done here.

Alec: Josh-

Josh: We’re done.

Alec looks at him for a moment, then exits. Luke follows.

Gerrard: Don’t let him get to you.

Josh: He should know better.

Gerrard: It’s different when you’re the guy.

Josh: I sick of these people, Gerrard. I’m sick of them balking every time we make a choice.

Gerrard: People always cry, Josh.

Josh (nods slowly/beat): How are you with the… you know?

Gerrard: Don’t worry about it.

Josh (nods): Okay. I’m going out there, unless you need something.

Gerrard: Yeah, well, I do need to ask you something.

Josh: Sure.

Gerrard: You know Melanie Park?

Josh: From legal?

Gerrard: Yeah.

Josh: We’ve met a few times. She knows what she’s doing.

Gerrard: Yeah.

Josh (beat): Is that what you wanted to ask me?

Gerrard: What? Yeah. Okay; keep Alec’s head in the game, alright? Last thing we need is for him to do something stupid.

Josh: Yeah. Why did you ask me about Ms. Park?

Gerrard: Nothing. We, uh… we had coffee last night. She does seem to know what she’s doing.

Josh (looks at him oddly): Okay.

Gerrard: Let me know what mission you pick up.

Josh: Always. (begins to exit, turns around) No, you’re not.

Gerrard: I’m sorry?

Josh: Too old. You’re not.

Gerrard: Get out.

Josh: You bet. (exits)

Gerrard smiles a little.

Shift - Main offices. Josh enters.

Josh: Anything good, Janie?

Janie: There’s some kind of activity in Brazil that State is starting to lean on us to take care of.

Josh: What kind of activity?

Janie: Unconfirmed, officially, but the locals call it Xolotl.

Josh: Ah, the devil chicken.

Janie: Um, no, it’s the Aztec god of the dead.

Josh: How come no one ever sends us reports of El Pollo Diablo?

Janie: You want me to go on, or are you going to be crazy for a little while?

Caelyn grins.

Josh: Go ahead.

Janie: The Richmond-Davis Sub-Surface Research Facility-

Josh (to Caelyn): That means it’s underwater.

Caelyn gives him a withering look.

Janie: - is infested. Charlie is going to pick it up within the hour, so if you want it, we have to go now.

Josh: Let them have it.

Caelyn: Is that because you’re scared to go underwater?

Josh: Yes.

Caelyn: Is that because you’re still a little boy on the inside?

Josh: Remember that time you shot me?

Caelyn: Fondly.

Josh: Whatever.

Janie: And then we have your average across nests and things. There are two in close proximity along the Alaskan border.

Luke: I don’t want to go to Alaska.

Josh: That leaves Brazil’s devil chicken.

Luke: Sounds good.

Josh: Call Kevin, have him set it up with Foreign Affairs. (Caelyn gets up and exits via hallway)

Janie: Okay. (Josh follows Caelyn)

Shift to hallway- Josh and Caelyn are walking to the print station.

Josh: Caelyn.

Caelyn: Well, hey there, Josh.

Josh: Hey.

Caelyn: Did you know that starfish don’t have brains?

Josh: I did.

Caelyn: Well, clearly there is nothing I can’t teach you then.

Josh: That was your best shot?

Caelyn: Yes, and you ruined it. You leave me with nothing, Josh.

Josh: Okay. Where is Hadassah?

Caelyn: She wasn’t feeling well, so she might not be in for awhile.

Josh: She might not be in?

Caelyn: Yes.

Josh: You just forgot to tell me?

Caelyn: Yes.

Josh: You don’t think that’s something you should tell me right away?

Caelyn: I chose to tell you about the starfish.

Josh: I already knew about the starfish.

Caelyn: Now I know that.

Josh: Is it because she went out and got plastered after we all left?

Caelyn: Who?

Josh: Flannery O’Connor- Ess, who do you think?

Caelyn: No.

Josh: ‘Cause I’ve heard rumors.

Caelyn: You mustn’t believe everything you hear, Josh.

Josh: Call her and find out if she’s coming to Brazil or not.

Caelyn: Okay.

Josh: Thanks.

Caelyn: Josh.

Josh: Yeah?

Caelyn: Did you know that ostriches eat rocks to help them digest their food?

Josh: Yes.

Caelyn: You did not.

Josh: Everyone knows that.

Caelyn: Really?

Josh: Yeah.

Caelyn: So you feel the need to lord your superior grasp of trivia over me?

Josh: I didn’t-

Caelyn: I’m going to make copies of this now, unless you want to mock me some more.

Josh: Well, I do, but I have to go do work.

Caelyn: Yeah, you do that..

Josh: Don’t forget to call Ess.

Caelyn: Remember that time I shot you?

Josh: I’m leaving.

Shift - Main offices.

Luke: And the best part is, I don’t even think about Tanya anymore.

Alec: Yet still talk about her.

Luke: Only to say that I don’t think of her anymore.

Alec: Good.

Janie: Well, I liked her.

Luke: Tanya?

Janie: Adriana.

Alec: For crying out loud, Luke.

Luke: I thought she meant Tanya.

Janie: I’ve never met Tanya.

Luke: I didn’t say you were being logical about it.

Alec: Luke, I swear, if you mess this up because you can’t let go of some girl you dated over a year ago, I will have to… break your face or something.

Luke: Okay.

Alec: Any other reason is fine; just… let the library girl go!

Luke: She’s not a librari-

Alec: I don’t care! Shhhhhhhh.

Luke: Okay.

Alec looks at Janie in frustration and shakes his head. Ess enters via elevator, as Josh enters from hallway.

Alec: Hey, I heard you were sick.

Ess: I didn’t sleep well.

Josh: For future reference, Caelyn’s like a four-year-old, so don’t trust her with relaying messages.

Ess: Josh, did you get the message?

Josh: Well, yeah, but not until like four minutes ago.

Ess: You’ll live.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: Mac Tanner is calling for my head on CBN.

Josh: He wants to put your head on CBN?

Alec: No, Josh, he’s on CBN, calling-, shut up.

Ess: You got Gerrard’s name out of the news, at least.

Alec (snorts amusedly): Yeah.

Caelyn walks in.

Caelyn: Ess, are you coming to Brazil with us?

Ess: We’re going to Brazil?

Josh: To hunt the devil chicken.

Luke: El Pollo Diablo.

Ess: Are you kidding me?

Janie: They’re calling it Xolotl. We think it’s a behemoth.

Josh: Or a big chicken.

Ess (to Caelyn): One of those days?

Caelyn: Yeah. Hey, did you know that starfish don’t have brains?

Luke: What?

Ess: Everyone knows that.

Luke: Starfish don’t have brains?

Caelyn: Ha.

Alec: I’m feeling confused.

Josh: Women are weird.

Janie: I knew about starfish.

Luke: How do they live, then?

Caelyn: What?

Luke: If they don’t have brains, how do they live?

Caelyn (beat): You feel better about yourself now?

Josh laughs; Luke looks bewildered. Fade out. End Scene 4.