Ep 9

ADTEO: Josh’s office. Josh, Alec enters.

Alec: We need to talk.

Josh: Okay, yes, it was me, but I had a good reason.

Alec: What are you talking about?

Josh (beat): Nothing. (beat) What’s your thing?

Alec (gives him a look): Ess is going on a ski trip with her sister and the sister’s fiancé.

Josh (beat): That’s what we need to talk about?

Alec: It’s a big deal.

Josh: It’s a small deal. It’s actually no deal at all.

Alec: It’s a big deal to me.

Josh: Yeah, but you’re high-strung.

Alec: She didn’t invite me.

Josh: Maybe she didn’t want you to come with them.

Alec: Well, clearly. Clearly, she didn’t want me to come with them. The way I know she didn’t want me to come with them is that she didn’t ask me to come with them.

Josh: I think that’s a safe assumption.

Alec: The question is ‘why.’

Josh: Really?

Alec: Is it something I did?

Josh: I don’t know. What did you do?

Alec: I didn’t do anything.

Josh: Then it probably wasn’t that.

Alec: Then what?

Josh: Maybe she has a secret boyfriend who is going to be there.

Alec: You think this is a time for your funny jokes?

Josh: No.

Alec: No.

Josh: Maybe?

Alec: No.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: Should I ask her?

Josh: If you can go?

Alec: What?

Josh (beat): What are we talking about again?

Alec: Should I ask her why she didn’t ask me, or will that seem too needy?

Josh: It will seem needy.

Alec: Yeah?

Josh: And you know what else? It will seem like you don’t trust her.

Alec: I trust her.

Josh: Good.

Alec: I just like to ski, is all.

Josh: Have you ever skied?

Alec: I’ve seen people ski.

Josh: You should try it sometime; it’s a blast.

Alec: That’s what I’m saying.

Josh: Maybe she knows you can’t ski, and doesn’t want you to embarrass her.

Alec: You think that could be it?

Josh: Sure.

Alec: She’s afraid I’ll embarrass her?

Josh: I’d go with it.

Alec: Well, now I have to talk to her.

Josh: Because of my advice.

Alec: That was good advice.

Josh: No, it was bad advice. The way you can tell it was bad advice is because I’m the one who gave it.

Alec: You give good advice.

Josh: I do. I do give good advice, but this time I was giving bad advice.

Alec: Why?

Josh: Because you’re feeble at the moment, and I enjoy messing with your mind.

Alec: I’m not feeble.

Josh: You’re paltry and languid.

Alec: I’m not.

Josh: You are.

Alec: You’re saying that I shouldn’t talk to her?

Josh: I did say that, yes.

Alec: Was that the good or bad advice?

Josh (beat): I don’t remember.

Alec: I think I’m going to talk to her.

Josh: Okay.

Alec: I’m not feeble.

Josh: Like a newborn chick.

Alec: You think Ess is making me weak?

Josh: No, I think your paranoid, and it’s making you feeble.

Alec: Well… it’s not. I mean, I’m not. Paranoid. Or feeble.

Josh: Well-argued.

Alec: Shut up.

Caelyn knocks and comes in.

Caelyn: What are you guys doing?

Alec: Why didn’t Ess ask me to go skiing with her?

Caelyn: I didn’t know you skied.

Alec: I don’t sk- that’s not the point.

Josh: I ski.

Caelyn: I’ve skied a few times. I’m not very good at it.

Alec: The point is, she’s going there with people, and not one of those people are me.

Caelyn: That’s the point?

Alec: That’s my point.

Caelyn: Okay. (to Josh) I usually stay on the Bunny Hill.

Josh: Most people don’t say things like that with so much pride.

Alec: Maybe she thinks we’re moving too fast.

Caelyn: That’s why I stay on the Bunny Hill.

Alec: What?

Caelyn: You know. Moving too fast.

Alec: Ess and I!

Caelyn: You’ve been out twice.

Josh: Maybe she’s worried her sister might be attracted to you.

Alec: There’s a thought.

Caelyn: Yeah, I don’t think that’s it.

Alec: What, then?

Caelyn: You can’t ski!

Alec (snorts dismissively): That means nothing.

Josh: I’d talk to her if I were you.

Alec: Yeah, I think I have to.

Josh: No, see, that was the bad advice again.

Alec: Stop doing that.

Josh: I can’t help it; you’re just so feeble.

Alec: I’m not-

Josh: You really are.

Alec: I’m not feeble!

Caelyn: I think I could make you cry right now.

Alec (looks at her blankly, then turns to Josh): So the sister-thing?

Josh: Yeah, I’m going with the sister-thing.

Caelyn: You guys are idiots.

Josh: Maybe she’s afraid to commit.

Alec: The sister?

Josh: Ess.

Alec (beat) That makes more sense.

Caelyn: This is incredible.

Ess storms in.

Ess: You can’t ski!

Alec (beat/ turns to Josh who is looking at him questioningly): I left her a message last night.

Josh: Did you?

Alec: Yes. (to Ess) Let me-

Ess: You are so paranoid that you think that not asking you to go on a outing with my sister means I’m dumping you!?

Alec (beat): Ess-

Ess: What?

Alec: You should know that I’m quite feeble right now.

Josh: Like a puppy, almost.

Alec: Yes.

Ess: You’re feeble? What-… what does that even mean?

Josh: He sometimes forgets to ask to be let out when he has to-

Alec: It means that I really like you, and that I’m scared that I might do something, anything, to wreck it.

Caelyn: Like leave an irate message on her machine at 2am?

Alec: Why did you come in here, again?

Caelyn: I heard there might be a show.

Alec (to Ess): You tell her everything?

Ess (to Josh): Can’t you help him?

Josh: Help him what?

Ess: I don’t know. You were engaged once. Somehow, you managed to make it that far.

Josh: Luck.

Alec: Listen-

Ess: You think I wasn’t?

Alec: I think it’s possible you weren’t.

Ess: I was.

Alec: Okay. (beat) I’m sorry?

Ess rolls her eyes and walks out.

Caelyn (beat): You two are such a cute couple.

Alec looks at her blankly, and she smiles and exits.

End Scene 1.


Scene 2 - ADTEO: Kevin, Janie, Luke. Elevator opens. Timothy Reynolds and two men in suits (his body-guards) step out.

Janie: Mr. Chairman! (the three of them stand up)

Reynolds: Is Commander Sully in?

Janie: Yes, sir.

Reynolds: Does he have a moment?

Janie: Of course, sir. (picks up phone) Gerrard, the Chairman is here to see you. (pause) Chairman Reynolds. (hangs up)

Gerrard exits his office.

Gerrard: Mr. Chairman! To what do we owe the honor?

Reynolds: I have a few issues I’d like to go over with you, if you have the time.

Gerrard: Of course. (beat) Would you care to step into my office?

Reynolds: Thank you.

Gerrard: Can we get you anything?

Reynolds: I just came from breakfast. But thank you.

The four men enter Gerrard’s office and shut the door. Luke, Janie, and Kevin stare at the door.

Luke (beat): One of you going to call Josh?

Janie: Oh! Yeah, I’m on it.

Luke (to Kevin): You know anything?

Kevin: I know many things.

Luke: About why he’s here?

Kevin: I know very few things about that.

Luke: Maybe Josh knows.

Janie (on phone, to Luke): Josh doesn’t know.

Luke: Okay.

Kevin (beat): How’s your girlfriend?

Luke (beat): I think I picked the wrong one.

Kevin: Ouch.

Luke: Yeah.

Kevin: Well, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

Luke (beat): Thanks, I feel better now.

Kevin: You could always get back together with Tammie.

Luke: Tanya.

Kevin: That’s the one.

Luke: I could, you know, get back together with her, but I don’t think it would work out, as she doesn’t want to see me ever again.

Kevin: I don’t know. Makes it challenging.

Luke: Because dating’s not hard enough without an extra challenge.

Kevin: I’ve been married for thirty-eight years.

Luke: You and your wife… was there ever a time when you broke up, before you got married?

Kevin: Nope.

Luke: Not even a little?

Kevin: What’s ‘a little?’

Luke: She started dating a librarian, maybe?

Kevin (laughs): Be thankful for what you got.

Luke: Yeah, I know.

Scene shift - Gerrard’s office.

Reynolds: You understand that I know very little of what is going on that isn’t covered in the ‘general’ section of this topic?

Gerrard: I understand.

Reynolds: For all I know you have good reason for this… campaign, if you will. You know the Council trusts you.

Gerrard: But I over-stepped the bounds?

Reynolds: Well, hopefully not yet. But the other Commanders are getting anxious, and there’s a feeling out there that they’d all be more comfortable with you out.

Gerrard: Would you?

Reynolds: I’m sorry?

Gerrard: Would you be more comfortable, sir?

Reynolds: Like I said, not yet.

Gerrard (beat): Sir, you know I have enormous respect for you, personally and professionally.

Reynolds: I appreciate that, Commander.

Gerrard: You have men working for you that are getting our people killed.

Reynolds: I have a lot of people working for me that are getting our people killed. It comes with the territory.

Gerrard: Not like this.

Reynolds: You think I need to be made aware?

Gerrard (beat): There are men in this very building who should have been shown the street corner a long time ago.

Reynolds: I let the Director take care of it.

Gerrard: The Director doesn’t have the authority nor the courage to go after these men.

Reynolds: So you take shots from the back, hoping someone notices?

Gerrard: Someone did.

Reynolds looks at him contemplatively.

Scene shift: Offices.

Luke: Why would the Chairman be here? (beat) Anybody? Nothing, huh? Maybe they want to give Gerrard an award.

Janie: An award?

Kevin: What kind of award?

Luke: I don’t know what kind of award. They have awards, and sometimes they give them to people.

Kevin: I don’t think so.

Luke: You don’t think they have them, or you don’t think they give them to people?

Kevin: I don’t think Gerrard’s getting an award.

Luke: Why not?

Josh and Alec enter.

Kevin: Because they usually tell people they’ve won over the phone.

Josh: What’s going on?

Luke: Chairman Reynolds is here.

Josh: Yeah, I know. What’s he doing here?

Luke: Talking to Gerrard.

Josh: Do you know anything that Janie didn’t tell me over the phone?

Luke: No.

Josh: But you wanted to talk anyway.

Luke: Yes.

Josh: How many guys came with him?

Janie: Two.

Josh: There’s a whole squad in the lobby.

Luke: There’s only a few up here.

Josh: Kevin?

Kevin: Yes?

Josh: What’s going on?

Kevin: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Josh: Really?

Kevin: Yeah.

Josh: Okay.

Luke (beat): I’m confused.

Alec: Perpetually?

Luke: Kevin says ‘don’t worry’ and Josh says ‘okay?’

Josh: Actually, sounds like you’re right on top of it.

Luke: What’s going on?

Josh: Kevin has a feel for these things.

Luke (to Kevin): You told me-

Kevin: Yes.

Luke: Why didn’t you-

Kevin: I don’t know.

Luke: You don’t know?

Kevin shrugs. Gerrard’s office door opens and the four men walk out. Everyone stands up.

Reynolds: Moritz.

Josh (they shake hands): Mr. Chairman.

Reynolds: I hear only good things, son.

Josh: My team is impeccable, sir.

Reynolds: So it seems. Keep up the good work, everyone. You’re making us proud.

Josh: Thank you, sir.

Reynolds nods, and the three of them enter the elevator and exit.

Josh (to Gerrard): What was that about?

Gerrard: Nothing. (beat) Get back to work. (he goes back into his office and shuts the door)

Josh (beat): Kevin, is it possible you’re a hack?

Kevin: It’s nothing to worry about.

Josh: I think it is possible. I think it’s possible that you’re a hack, and that I am unwise to put faith in your opinions.

Kevin: Be that as it may, I’m telling you it’s nothing to worry about.

Janie: Take it from me, the man is a hack.

Josh: Janie says you’re a professional hack, and have deep roots in hackism.

Kevin: That’s not a word.

Josh: Hack…izzle.

Kevin: I’m going to do what he said and get to work.

Janie: You would.

Luke: Maybe Gerrard’s getting fired.

Alec: Maybe you’re getting fired.

Luke: Either that or he’s getting an award.

Josh: An award?

Kevin: We already talked about this.

Josh: We did?

Janie: Before you got here.

Josh: So ‘we’ is not including myself?

Janie: Or Alec.

Josh: Okay.

Luke: We can go over it again.

Josh: Please, stop talking.

Luke: Sure.

Josh (beat): Alec, you want to go talk to Gerrard?

Kevin: Why don’t you let it go?

Josh: Because I’m not like that.

Alec: Sure. It’s not like I have work to do.

Josh: It’s not.

Alec: I know.

Josh: You don’t have any work to do.

Alec: That’s what I’m saying.

Josh: I thought you were being facetious.

Alec: I wasn’t.

Josh: Okay. (beat) Why don’t you have work to do?

Alec: I do not know.

Josh: We should look into that some time.

Alec: Later.

Josh: Yes. Let’s go see Gerrard.

Kevin: Idiots.

Josh: Did he just-

Alec: Yeah.

Josh and Alec go to Gerrard’s office and knock.

Shift to Gerrard’s office.

Gerrard: What?

Josh (opens door): I need to talk with you.

Gerrard: About what?

Josh: Can I come in?

Gerrard: Fine.

Josh and Alec come in.

Gerrard: Alec?

Alec: Boss.

Josh: So…, how about them… (to Alec) I’m drawing a blank.

Gerrard: What do you want?

Josh: Are you getting fired?

Gerrard: Excuse me?

Josh: Fired.

Alec: Axed.

Josh: Shown the door.

Alec: Given the pink slip.

Josh: Terminated.

Alec: Let go.

Josh: Canned.

Alec: Sacked.

Gerrard: That’s enough! (glares, and then breaks into a conceding smile; they grin back) You’re stuck with me awhile longer.

Josh: What did he want?

Gerrard: He wanted what you want.

Josh: To be added in your will?

Gerrard: It’s really none of your business, though, so let’s leave it at that.

Josh: It’s just I keep hearing how you’re loaded.

Gerrard: Josh.

Josh: Okay. (beat) Everything’s okay?

Gerrard: I’m fine.

Josh: Okay. Good. (to Alec) Deputy Fife.

Alec: For what it’s worth, if they ever did fire you, we’d make sure we were next.

Gerrard: Alec, that doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make me appreciate your stupidity. I don’t want to take anyone down with me, I don’t want you to try to be noble. You understand?

Alec: Yeah. But it’s what we’d do.

Gerrard (sighs): You boys make life harder than it should be.

Alec smiles and nods. He and Josh exit.

Shift - main offices. Ess and Caelyn are there now.

Ess: Right here?

Luke: Yes.

Ess: In the building?

Luke: In this office.

Ess (to Josh and Alec): The Chairman was here?

Josh: He was.

Ess: I missed him?

Alec: He looks a lot like he does on TV.

Ess: Did you talk to him?

Alec: Josh did.

Ess: What did you say?

Josh: I told him his fly was undone.

Ess (beat): You’re so immature.

Josh: I know.

Caelyn: What did he want?

Alec: No one’s saying.

Kevin: Told you.

Alec (to Ess): Can I talk to you for a minute?

Ess: Okay.

They exit to the hallway.

Shift to hallway.

Alec: I’m sorry about overreacting.

Ess: It’s okay.

Alec: I don’t want to mess this up.

Ess: I know.

Alec: Okay. (beat) That’s all I wanted to say.

Ess: You should learn how to ski.

Alec: I should.

Ess: It’s fun.

Alec: I believe you.

Ess: Going ‘swish-swish’ down the slopes.

Alec: I’m saying I believe you.

Ess: Feeling the air on your face as you ‘swish-swish’ down the slopes.

Alec: Are you taunting me?

Ess: Maybe. You’re kind of frail.

Alec: Feeble.

Ess: Feeble?

Alec: The word is ‘feeble.’ I’m ‘feeble.’

Ess: ‘Frail’ is better.

Alec: It’s better to be frail?

Ess: ‘Frail’ is a better word.

Alec: Than ‘feeble?’

Ess: Yes.

Alec: Why?

Ess: Doesn’t matter.

Alec: Okay.

Ess: Are you going to learn how to ski?

Alec: Yes.

Ess: Good.

Alec: You could teach me.

Ess (smiles): That’s a nice idea.

Alec: I thought so.

They head back to the offices. Fade out. End Scene 2.


Scene 3 - ADTEO lobby. Ess and Caelyn.

Caelyn: Please?

Ess: No.

Caelyn: Please?

Ess: Caelyn, I don’t enjoy disappointing you. I really don’t, but I’m not going to change my mind on this.

Caelyn: Okay.

Ess: Okay?

Caelyn: Fine.

Ess: Thank you.

Caelyn: I’ll train him to go in a box.

Ess: That’s… gross!

Caelyn: I’ll make sure he doesn’t jump on the furniture, and you won’t have to feed him or bathe him or anything.

Ess: No.

Caelyn: Come on, he’s so cute.

Ess: Of course he’s cute, now. In a few months he’ll be big, and smell bad, and tear apart my sofa.

Caelyn: He will not, and I’ll ask you to not talk disparagingly about Jeffy.

Ess: Jeffy?

Caelyn: I named him after the Family Circus kid.

Ess: Tell me you haven’t bought him yet.

Caelyn: I haven’t bought him yet.

Ess: Caelyn.

Caelyn: I haven’t bought him yet.

Ess: I’m serious about this. I can’t have a dog in there.

Caelyn: I’ll bathe him every day.

Ess: No, you won’t.

Caelyn: I’ll bathe him every week.

Ess: Caelyn, you’re gone all day. Having a dog cooped up in an apartment is just cruel.

Caelyn (beat/pleading): But he’s so cute.

Ess: And you’re adorable, but no.

Caelyn (pouting): Fine.

Ess: Sorry.

Caelyn: Yeah.

They enter the elevator.

Shift to offices. They exit the elevator.

Janie: Hey there.

Caelyn: Hey, Janie. Guess what.

Janie: I’m getting a raise?

Caelyn: Um, I don’t know.

Janie: ‘Cause I deserve one.

Caelyn: I’m getting a puppy!

Ess: Caelyn!

Caelyn: I mean, I would be if I didn’t share an apartment with the Gestapo.

Ess: Hey!

Caelyn: I’m kidding. (beat) Thank you for letting me stay with you, Hadassah.

Ess: Yeah.

Caelyn: Really, I appreciate it.

Ess: There better not be a dog there when I get home.

Caelyn: There won’t be. (beat) I really do appreciate it.

Ess (smiles): I know.

Gerrard enters via elevator.

Gerrard: What a beautiful day!

Ess: It’s raining.

Gerrard: Rain is beautiful, my dear.

Ess: Okay.

Gerrard: You ever have one of those mornings where you just… feel alive?

Caelyn: Are you okay?

Gerrard: Caelyn, I am better than okay. I’m alive!

Caelyn: You’re scaring me.

Gerrard (laughs): This… is a good day.

They watch him as enters his office whistling.

Ess: What was that?

Caelyn: I don’t know.

Ess: He’s your uncle.

Caelyn: I really don’t think so.

Ess: Doppelganger?

Caelyn: How do you kill those?

Ess: You know, I’m not sure.

Josh enters.

Josh: Hey, Ess, you know what I was thinking you need?

Ess: I need something?

Josh: You need a dog.

Ess: I really don’t.

Josh: Are you sure?

Ess: Quite sure.

Josh: ‘Cause the word on the street is that you could use a nice dog.

Ess (to Caelyn): You called him before you even asked me?

Caelyn: I had a feeling.

Josh: Was that good enough?

Caelyn: Yeah, it’s not going to go. Thanks, though.

Josh: Anytime.

Ess: Hey, go look in Gerrard’s office.

Josh: Why?

Ess: Just do it.

Josh: Okay.

Josh knocks on Gerrard’s door.

Gerrard (off-screen): Come in, and know me better, man!

Josh (looks at the girls with a look of pure astonishment): Just seeing if you were in, boss.

Gerrard (off-screen): I’m in like Flynn!

Josh (to Ess): Is he drunk?

Ess: I have no idea.

Josh (to Caelyn): What’s going on?

Caelyn: We think he’s a doppelganger.

Josh: Yeah.

Janie: Maybe he liked what he heard from the Chairman.

Ess: I guess that’s possible.

Caelyn: Oh, and doppelgangers aren’t? (beat) Okay.

Josh: Huh. (beat) Anyway. Alec and Luke called from Mexico. They’ll be back tonight.

Ess: Thanks.

Josh: Yeah.

Janie: Josh?

Josh: Yeah?

Janie: Mark said he’s okay with us hosting the next dinner.

Josh: Oh yeah? Great, tell him we appreciate it.

Janie: He doesn’t want you guys to eat all his steak.

Josh (beat): Okay.

Janie: He said that that the steak is his only true escape.

Josh: I don’t need to know these things.

Janie: He wanted me to tell you about not eating all the steak.

Josh: Tell him to not cook it, then.

Janie: He thinks you might ask him to cook it, and wanted to set up before hand that he wouldn’t be.

Josh: Janie, we don’t have to come over. There are plenty of nice restaurants in the area.

Janie: We want you to.

Josh: Uh huh.

Janie: Really.

Josh: Okay. (beat) Should we bring our own food?

Janie: Don’t be like that.

Josh: Like what?

Janie: I’ll smack you in the face.

Josh: Excuse me?

Janie: You heard me. Don’t be like that.

Josh: I’m serious.

Janie: I’m serious about smacking you in the face.

Josh (beat): I’m going into my office now.

Janie: You’ll stay there if you know what’s good for you.

Josh (looks at Ess, who shrugs): Okay.

Josh goes into his office.

Caelyn: So I’ve been thinking about getting a puppy.

Ess: Caelyn.

Caelyn: Oh yeah.

Ess: It’s not that I have something against dogs. I don’t. I like dogs. I think they’re nice, loyal animals and that they make good pets. I don’t want them in my apartment all day when we‘re not around.

Caelyn: Okay.

Ess: Now stop. You’re making me feel bad.

Caelyn: I’ll stop.

Ess: You’re going to show me a picture, aren’t you?

Caelyn (shows her a picture): Look at that face.

Ess: Caelyn!

Caelyn: I’ll bring him to work with me.

Ess (beat): You’ll bring him to work?

Caelyn: Or, you know, you can, if you want.

Ess (beat): Okay it with Josh.

Caelyn (grins): Okay.

Caelyn goes and knocks on Josh’s door.

Shift - Caelyn enters Josh’s office.

Josh: Gerrard’s weird, Janie’s weird, please tell me you’re not weird.

Caelyn: I’m not weird.

Josh: Thank you for that.

Caelyn: I need your permission to bring my new puppy to work.

Josh (beat): Get out.

Caelyn: Josh!

Josh: Out.

Caelyn: I’ll owe you!

Josh: You’ll owe me?

Caelyn: I’ll owe you more… than I already do.

Josh: You owe me a lot.

Caelyn: Look at the picture.

Josh (looks): He’s cute.

Caelyn: He really is.

Josh: He can’t come in here.

Caelyn: Please?

Josh: No.

Caelyn: I’ll be your best friend.

Josh (laughs): Nice.

Caelyn: So ‘no,’ huh?

Josh: Sorry, Cae. (beat) He really is cute.

Caelyn: Yeah. (beat) I didn’t think so, but I figured I should try.

Josh: I don’t blame you.

Caelyn: Okay. (beat) I know that I owe you.

Josh: What?

Caelyn: Just… I know.

Josh: I didn’t mean-

Caelyn: Oh, no, no. I know you didn’t. I just wanted to tell you, that I know how much you’ve done for me.

Josh (smiles slightly): You have no idea how glad I am that you’re here.

Caelyn: Thank you. (blushes, laughs slightly) Okay, I’m going to go back out there.

Josh: Okay. You know…

Caelyn: What?

Josh: You’re already one of my best friends.

Caelyn (smiles): You are too.

Josh grins and Caelyn exits. Fade out. End Scene 3.